I received an email from the father of a 14-year-old boy who has decided not to continue his ski-racing journey. He wrote: “I am feeling super challenged this year with the transition (and honestly, it’s my ego getting in the way). Just wondering if you have any advice on how to transition out…”

His message reminded me of my own challenges when my daughters chose to leave our sport and pursue a “normal” life a few years ago. His email inspired me to share the thoughts I shared with him in this article.

When we decided to get our girls skiing so many years ago, despite my background as a moderately successful ski racer at Burke Mountain Academy, Middlebury College, and the University of Colorado ( my saying is, “I competed against the best in the world…but they weren’t worried about me.”), my goals for them were modest: to be active, to be outside, to share a family activity, and to become capable skiers. Anything beyond that would be icing on the cake.

We followed the usual path, going from being a “skiing family” to a “ski racing family.” We got them on skis by age 3, made the interminable drive from San Francisco to Tahoe every weekend, joined the Sugar Bowl Ski Team, bought a cabin near the ski area, and had them attend Sugar Bowl Academy. But, as they headed toward high school, both of my daughters realized that they didn’t have a real passion for ski racing and wanted a more well-rounded high-school education. So, though a difficult decision for each of them, my daughters chose to end their ski racing journeys. Both have some regrets giving up something that had been a part of their lives (and still a big part of my life) for as long as they could remember. At the same time, with 20/20 hindsight, both recognize that they made the right decision. Plus, I am thrilled for my older daughter who will return to ski racing this winter as a member of her college club race team.

My Advice to This Father

1. Allow yourself to grieve. I certainly did because ski racing was such a huge part of my life, as both a racer and a mental coach. Understand that you were a big part of your child’s ski racing journey. You invested a lot of time, energy, and money to support their involvement in our sport (hopefully happily and for the right reasons). When you allow yourself to grieve this loss in your life, you give yourself the opportunity to say goodbye slowly and feel sad about the loss. At the same time, it provides you with the time to relish the experiences you and your family had and to put the journey in perspective, as just one step in the evolution of your child and your family.
2. Recognize that it is your child’s life, not yours, and respect his choice as his own. I had to keep telling myself this because I so wanted my girls to gain all that I had experienced by staying in our sport well into young adulthood. At the same time, I understood that the journey was theirs, not mine, and they have to make these big life decisions, however difficult they may be.
3. Remind yourself of all the wonderful life lessons your child learned from ski racing that will help them find happiness and success in some other part of their life in the future. Motivation, confidence, focus, resilience, and perseverance are just a few of the powerful mental tools that ski racing can teach young people.
4. Reflect on all the indelible memories of your being a “ski racing family” (and now back to a skiing family). When I reminisce about raising my daughters, some of my most wonderful and touching recollections I have are of watching my girls ski, train, and race when they were young.
5. Appreciate that you have given your child the love of a lifetime sport. I don’t know many adult pole vaulters there are out there, but there are many skiers who raced as children and our sport became a central part of their lives as adults, just as it did for me.
6. Remind yourself why you originally got him into ski racing. Hopefully, it wasn’t about making them World Champions (a statistical long shot, to be sure). For me, it was to enable girls to become good skiers and give them #3-5 above.
7. Revel in the fun you will have skiing with your child. How many sports do you know in which parents and children can participate together, even if there is a disparity between the kids and their parents (meaning the parents aren’t such good skiers)? Truly, my greatest joy in my life is skiing with my daughters. Watching how far they have come as skiers and, admittedly, feeling immense pride in people on the side of the trail and on the chairlift watching the three of us arc turns as we ski below them.

In giving your child the opportunity to ski race, you have given them a wonderful experience that will shape their lives in so many important ways. Whether they leave ski racing as a U14, an Olympic champion, or somewhere in between, their involvement in our amazing sport is a big victory in my eyes.