In the Part I in my series, Fear of Failure, I introduced you to the epidemic presence of fear of failure in sports these days. The article describes what fear of failure is and its causes. I also describe three ways that athletes attempt to avoid failure: they quit their sport, they cause themselves to fail, but have an excuse, or they become pretty successful (though never truly successful because they are unwilling to take the risks necessary). Finally, I discuss the importance of teaching athletes the value of failure.
In Part II of my series, I described the paradox I saw in athletes with a fear of failure who would, nonetheless, do things that actually guarantee failure (e.g., not prepare their equipment, not get totally ready before a competition, not give their full effort, give up after the smallest mistake). To solve this conundrum, I introduced the notion of total failure (giving it everything you’ve got and not achieving your goals) as the underlying cause of athletes’ fear of failure. I argued that fear of failure is grounded in, if experiencing total failure, having to admit that they just weren’t good enough. And no athlete with any aspirations wants to admit that.
In working with a athlete recently, I had another epiphany about fear of failure that has taken my understanding of fear of failure to a new level. The real fear is not failure, the meaning you attach to failure, or even total failure. Instead, the real fear of failure is about the fear of experiencing the painful emotions underlying total failure that athletes think they will feel if they fail. All of these athletes’ efforts are devoted to avoiding having to experience those truly unpleasant emotions that they believe will surely come with total failure.
What are these emotions that are so bad that athletes would actually cause themselves to fail (but with an excuse that protects them from those emotions) than give their fullest efforts and risk total failure: sadness, depression, frustration, despair, devastation, shame, humiliation, guilt. How’s that for a list of emotions to be avoided!
There are three aspects of this perspective on fear of failure that are particularly unfortunate. First, athletes’ perception that they will experience these painful emotions is very likely entirely out of touch with reality. Let’s start with the meaning that athletes attach to failure that causes these emotions. As I noted in my first article in this series, the most common are:
They will disappoint their parents.
Their friends will no longer like them.
They will be ostracized by their peer group.
They will be worthless people.
All of their efforts will be a waste of time.
They will experience the devastation of not achieving their goals.
But the likely reality is that none of these meanings attached to failure will come true. Sure, there are misguided (and sometimes downright crazy) parents out there who will show their disappointment (and perhaps even withdraw their love) in the face of their children’s failure, but there aren’t very many. Other than that, your friends will still like you, you will not be rejected by your peers, you will still be worthwhile, your time will still be well spent, and you will get over the fact that you may not achieve all of your sports goals (we all do!). In other words, if you fail, you will be disappointed, but you will be okay. And, to put this whole discussion in a broader perspective, if I may be a bit politically incorrect, failing to become a great athlete is a decidedly first-world problem.
Second, your fear of failure is utterly self-defeating; it does you no good at all. It creates a win (but not really)-lose situation. You win (again, not really) by protecting yourself from those alleged painful emotions, but you lose big time. You don’t achieve your goals. You kick yourself for not giving your best effort. And you continue a pattern of thinking, emotions, and behavior that not only hurt your sports, but will continue to haunt you in every aspect of your life.
Third, if you could just let go of your fear of failure and truly give it your all, that is, perform in your sport with total commitment, confidence, courage, and abandon, the chances are that you would find some degree of success. How much success depends on a lot of things unrelated to what goes on between your ears. I can’t guarantee that you would end up on top of the Olympic podium or playing in the MLB All-Star game, but, as I often say, good things would happen.
Moreover, if you risked total failure, contrary to being devastated by all of those painful emotions you worry about, you would actually feel wonderful emotions, such as excitement, joy, pride, and inspiration. Why? Because you gave your fullest effort and left it all out there. And, ultimately, that’s all you can do.
A recent email from a reader asked the obvious question: “I now understand why my child keeps getting in his own way in his sport. He has a fear of failure! So, what can I do about it?”
Given this question, I’m going to extend my Fear of Failure series to a fourth segment. Look for it next week.
