The ability to respond to our lives as a challenge separates us from our primitive forbearers because our evolved brain gives us the opportunity to resist our most basic instincts (though not easily). The fundamental goal behind the challenge response is to pause rather than act instinctively, deactivate the amygdala, engage our cerebral cortex, and [...]
It’s one thing to say you want to raise competent children. It’s an entirely different thing to know how to raise competent children. This post explores three practical ways in which you can help your children to become competent—and confident—people. Catchphrases for Competence My 8-year-old, Catie, came up with our family’s catchphrase for competence when [...]
Competence is an essential quality that children need to develop to become fully functioning adults. In fact, one thing that separates adults from children is the former's broad repertoire of capabilities that enable them to navigate the world including physical, intellectual, emotional, social, and practical skills. But competencies are necessary, but not sufficient to become [...]
Setting expectations for your ski racing children is an essential responsibility to help your children ski their fastest and achieve their goals. Expectations communicate messages to your children about what’s important to you and establish a standard toward which your children can strive. But expectations can be double-edged swords. They can be a tremendous benefit [...]
In recent years, our parenting culture began to send the message that competence was important for building self-esteem and that parents needed to do everything they can to convince their children how competent they were. All very reasonable, to be sure. However, that same parenting culture made a big mistake by telling parents that the way to instill competence in their children was to tell them how competent they were. Parents bought into this message and starting telling their children how smart and talented and wonderful they were. But here's the problem. Children can't be convinced that they are competent. When parents try to convince their children of how competent they are, they often have the exact opposite effect. There is this little thing called reality that children have to confront on a daily basis; life has a way of sending messages about competence that can be in sharp contrast to the out-sized messages of competence that parents send their children. When children are faced with the conflict between what their parents had told them about how good they are and what reality is telling them, the result is the bursting of the “You are the best” bubble that their parents blew up for them. The result: disappointment, hurt, and an actual loss of sense of competence. Let me be clear here: The only way for children to build a true sense of competence is through first-hand experience that includes travails, triumphs, struggles, setbacks, and successes.
Setting expectations for your children is an essential responsibility of parenting. Expectations communicate messages to your children about what’s important to you and establish a standard toward which your children can strive. But expectations can be double-edged swords. They can be a tremendous benefit to your children’s development or they can be weighty burdens that [...]
Competence is the most neglected contributor to self-esteem. So much emphasis in the “self-esteem movement” that began in the 1970s was placed on ensuring that children felt loved that the role of competence in developing self-esteem has either been ignored, minimized, or misapplied. Competence is so important because it provides the foundation on which children [...]
