Self-esteem is the single most important thing that young people need to develop in order to be happy, successful, and productive adults. Self-esteem refers to peoples’ basic view of themselves that is reflected in statements such as, “I like myself,” “I am a good person,” or “I am a failure,” or “No one loves me.” Though there are many sophisticated ways to measure self-esteem, coaches can get a general sense of their players’ self-esteem by listening to how positive or negative their self-talk is, seeing how they react to success and failure (e.g., are they satisfied with their wins, are they able to constructively deal with failure?), and how dependent they are on success in tennis to how they feel about themselves.
Unfortunately, most people have a misconception about how to best develop self-esteem. Many people think that this is accomplished by constantly reinforcing, encouraging, and supporting children. This approach, however, does not develop confident people. Rather, it creates individuals who are dependent upon people and feel good about themselves only when reinforced by others.
The fact is that life, whether in tennis or the “real world,” can be difficult and stressful. It can be lonely and punitive. As an adult, there is not always someone there to pick people up and pat them on the back. If they can not pick themselves up, they are probably going to stay down. So it is important to teach young people how to do just that. This is the basis for developing self-esteem.
Self-esteem emerges by challenging young people and providing them with skills that they may use to meet those challenges. Thus, people with high self-esteem are those who have the confidence to expose themselves to challenges and possess the coping skills to effectively master these difficult experiences.
Self-esteem is developed by having young athletes set realistic and challenging goals and being shown how to achieve them. It is also protected and cultivated by showing players that the value of who they are does not depend on what they do or whether they win or lose. “Unconditional love” is a term that describes this last concern. Self-esteem is lost when young people feel unloved or feel that love and respect depend on meeting the expectations of others, particularly in the form of results.
The tough question is: “How do we help young people to develop these skills?”. The answer to that is by placing expectations and demands on them. Children do not naturally know to what level they should aspire. So they look to adults like parents and coaches to give them feedback about their expectations and their performances. Starting out, they are probably going to work until it becomes a little uncomfortable, then stop. If coaches don’t tell them that was not enough, they are going to conclude that that was far enough.
An essential lesson I have learned in my work with young athletes is that young people must learn to make choices. Moreover, in order to make choices, it is necessary to have alternatives from which to choose. Too many people these days do not make choices. Rather, they simply do what they have been brought up to believe they should do. It is important for coaches to provide the experiences from which young athletes can make informed decisions about the life they lead. For example, young people can not decide whether they want to work hard in their tennis unless they have, in fact, experienced pushing themselves to their limits. It is essential that they know what it is like to give 100% effort, to try their hardest. Once they have, they can then make a choice. I should point out that it is okay if they decide not to work their hardest. Not everyone has to be a superstar. There is great value in being a good friend, husband, or mother. The important thing is that they make an informed decision in the direction they choose to take their life.
What kinds of expectations should be placed on young people? They should not be ability-based demands. Due to heredity, people have only a certain amount of ability, whether intelligence or athletism, and they have little control over it. Moreover, I have known many people who were very bright or physically gifted, but they were not happy or successful. One difficulty for these people is that these abilities enabled them to succeed without expending much effort. To them, they did not have to do much to succeed. As a result, they had difficulty taking ownership of their successes, it was not really them succeeding.
As a result, the demands placed on the young people should be effort-based. These types of expectations are those that should emphasized. An important aspect of effort-based expectations is that they are controllable and a sense of control is a key contributor to high self-esteem. Learning the relationship between effort and results is one of the most valuable lessons people can learn because, though a cliche, the satisfaction and value from success does not come from the result, but rather from the process. Also, since effort is controllable, people can take ownership of their successes, they can say “I did it.”
In the face of our result-oriented society, it up to parents and coaches to temper this perspective with a healthier one that emphasizes the process over the outcome and effort over results. For example, after a match, coaches who ask players, “Did you win?” or “How did you do?” is sending a powerful signal that the result is the important thing. In contrast, questions such as, “How hard did you try?” or “Did you have fun?” convey a perspective that will build self-esteem. An overemphasis on winning or players seeing a connection between their results and how much their parents and coaches love them will lower self-esteem.
People think that since I am a psychologist, I believe in being very supportive and caring toward young people. Though these are important, they are also not enough. As I have said earlier, placing demands on them is most important and I encourage coaches to do so. This means being tough on them. However, this approach can be as damaging as it can constructive. Before the demands are placed on the young people, coaches must explain to players that they are going to be tough on them. Young athletes must understand that coaches are not doing it because they hate the players and think them a bad person. Rather, it is because coaches care for them, see something worthwhile in them, and want to help them bring that something special out. By explaining what coaches are going to do beforehand, players will not waste a lot of negative energy hating them. Also, coaches will be joining them in a partnership to help them explore the limits of their ability.
Once this foundation has been established and the understanding is there, then it is the coach’s responsibility to place those demands on the young person strictly and consistently. It should be pointed out, also, that being tough does not mean being punitive. It does not mean being derogatory and humiliating. That is one thing that can really hurt self-esteem. Rather, being tough means setting standards and not allowing young people to stop until those standards have been met. By consistently applying these demands, young people will learn the relationship between effort and performance and, hopefully, internalize the great value in trying their hardest. This, in my view, should be the goal of coaches: teaching young people to discover what they are truly capable of. Having them learn that successful people are not those who are the smartest, most talented, or the best athletes, but rather are those who understand the meaning of effort and strive to do their best in every area of their life.
