Values have gotten a bad rap. When most people think of values these days, they think of hot-button topics and the divisive battle between so-called “red-state” and “blue-state” values. They think of politicians, media “talking heads,” and other groups using values to push their own agendas. As America’s discussion of values has focused on these divisions, we’ve lost sight of the essential reality that we share far more values than those on which we differ. Regardless of where we live or what are our political or religious beliefs, I am certain that just about all Americans believe in the values of respect, responsibility, opportunities for success and happiness, family, compassion, justice, tolerance, and many others; I call these “red-white-and-blue-state” values. These are the values on which our country was built and has thrived for over 230 years. These are the values that unite us, give our lives meaning, and make America strong. And, importantly, it’s these values that will protect your children from a popular culture that wants to teach them decidedly unhealthy values.
It’s not my place to tell you what you should value. I will nonetheless tell you that you should know what you value and make sure that your values are healthy for your family. Educating your children about values can begin as soon as they develop the ability to talk, listen, and to understand consequences. You want to introduce them to what values are, the role they play in their lives, and their importance to the family as early as possible so that they develop positive values before they are exposed to popular culture.
What are Values?
Give your children a clear definition of values and discuss with them how values affect their lives and those of others. Key issues that you should emphasize are that values:
- Are embraced by most of our society as a whole,
- Guide their lives,
- Establish priorities for what is important, and
- Act as a road map in determining the direction of their lives.
You should also highlight values that your children can understand and relate to. When your children act in ways that express a family value, you can point out what the value is and why what they are doing reflects the value:
- Cooperation and responsibility: when they bring their dishes to the sink after dinner.
- Commitment and hard work: when they devote considerable time to a project at school.
- Compassion: contributing to a favorite charity.
Asking your children to come up with practical examples of values in their own lives is another way to engage them and to make this process a dialogue rather than a lecture.
Why are Values Important?
You should then talk to your children about why values are important and how values benefit them and others. Key questions include:
- What do values offer your children as individuals?
- How do they affect your family?
- What role do values play in your community and society in general?
The answers to these questions will help your children recognize the essential importance of values and why they should adopt healthy values. Again give examples, such as generosity, accountability, and honesty, and show how these specific values affect your children’s lives. Recognize experiences that reflect values and connect them with your values for your children. For example, when your children are considerate of their siblings, show them how it benefits them (e.g., their siblings are nice to them) and the family as a whole (e.g., everyone gets along).
What are Unhealthy Values?
A useful way to teach your children values is to identify unhealthy values and help them see the differences between positive and negative values. Using examples such as greed, selfishness, and dishonesty can help you illustrate how these values hurt your children, your family, your community and our society as a whole. When your children express unhealthy values, show them how the values hurt them and your family. You can also point out examples of bad values in other people and from the media and describe why the values are unhealthy.
Expressing Values
Many people think that values are lofty ideals that have little connection with their daily lives, but values should be woven into the very fabric of your family’s lives. Show them how values are reflected in the activities in which they participate, who they interact with, and the choices they make. For example, finishing a school project on time, taking out the garbage, and reading with a younger sibling all express positive values of discipline, responsibility, and caring, respectively.
Again using contrasts as a learning tool, show your children how negative values are expressed, for example, how laziness, unkindness, and lying are conveyed. There is no better “classroom” for teaching about unhealthy values than in the popular media. Television, radio, video games, and magazines are rife with destructive values from which your children can learn. Use these opportunities to highlight healthy and unhealthy values by talking to them about the media messages and what underlying values are being communicated.
Setting Limits
One down-to-earth way values are expressed is in the rules, boundaries, and expectations that you establish in your family. Each of these prescriptions is based on the values that you hold and the messages you want your children to get about values, for example:
- Family chores.
- Helping others.
- Putting school first.
- Being physically active.
Unfortunately, many children simply see rules, boundaries, and expectations as limitations placed on their freedom by their parents without rationale or purpose. By explicitly linking your values with these directives, your children understand the reasoning behind your dictates and see their value. Don’t just simply “lay down the law,” but rather discuss how the limits you place on them are related to your values and how they benefit your children.
Consequences of Values
Perhaps the most powerful way to help children understand the importance of values is to discuss with them the consequences of healthy and unhealthy values. A valuable lesson for them is to learn that if they act in valued ways, good things will happen, and if they act according to bad values, bad things happen. Examples of this relationship can include good effort in school results in good grades, being compassionate to others causes others to respond in kind, and being caught stealing results in punishment and a loss of trust.
An unfortunate obstacle to teaching children about the consequences of living by one’s values is that acting on good values is not always rewarded and bad values are not punished in our society. To the contrary, popular culture often glorifies and rewards bad values. For example, domestic violence, drug use, and other bad behavior don’t prevent professional sports teams from paying talented athletes exorbitant salaries (e.g., Terrell Owens, Kobe Bryant). The recording industry persists in promoting hip-hop artists and rock stars despite rap sheets that continue to grow. And, sadly, young people continue to worship them. It is these conflicting messages that your children receive every day that make your job of teaching healthy values so much more difficult.
Value Dilemmas
A powerful way to foster your children’s understanding and appreciation of values is to talk to them about value dilemmas that they will face as they move through childhood and into young adulthood. For younger children, topics might include lying, selfishness, stealing, and cheating. Issues for older children can include sexual behavior and alcohol and drug use. You can also identify value breakdowns from popular culture, for example, the poor behavior of actors, athletes, musicians, and politicians, to help them understand that being rewarded for bad values not only doesn’t justify the values, it also has costs that may not be readily apparent to children, such as loss of self-respect and admiration from others, threats to health, and lost opportunities.
Value dilemmas arise every day in your children’s lives. Either they are faced with dilemmas themselves or there are examples of value dilemmas in popular media. You should have your “radar” attuned to these dilemmas and use them as opportunities to educate your children about these quandaries. With younger children, you will want to emphasize the tangible consequences of the choices presented in the dilemmas, for example, what trouble they would get in if they stole a piece of candy that they really wanted. With older children, you can have more sophisticated discussions about self-respect, dangers to themselves and others, and implications for their futures. For example, what are the personal, social, physical, and criminal, ramifications of drinking and driving?
In presenting these value violations, you can explore with them the benefits and costs of following and disregarding healthy values, the short- and long-term consequences of a breach of values, and the choices that they will have to make about values in the future. Children who are raised in a family that is immersed in values will be more likely to embrace healthy values and live their lives based on those values.
Recommendations for Teaching Values
- Make a list of your most important values.
- Consider which of your values are healthy and unhealthy (be honest with yourself).
- Determine whether you are living your life in accordance with your healthy values.
- Look for “value moments” in your family’s daily life to teach your children about values.
- Recognize the unhealthy values from popular culture to which your children are exposed.
- Actively resist the values promoted by popular culture.
