Is there anything more decidedly American than the pursuit of happiness? It is woven into the very fabric of the American ethos as “inalienable rights” bestowed upon us in the Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”). Is there anything that we devote more time, effort, and money to than attempting to capture that elusive goal? And is there anything that we pursue with more vigor and yet with such futility and poor results?
Happiness sure has had a few good decades. Before, say, the ‘70s, happiness just wasn’t on the radar screens of most people nor had it been a part of the cultural vocabulary in America. Of course, happiness was enshrined in the Constitution, so it has never been thoroughly divorced from our cultural zeitgeist, but, until relatively recently, it just wasn’t something that most people thought or talked much about.
For some cultural reasons that are beyond the scope of this article (though I will venture to suggest that it grew out of the ‘60’s countercultural revolution in reaction to the repressiveness of the ‘50s and perhaps the rise of an economically secure populace with plenty of leisure time and disposable income), people started to pay attention to happiness. Psychologists began to study it and discovered many of the predictors of this oh-so-elusive mind-state. Gosh, an entirely new discipline of the workings of the mind was created, positive psychology, aimed at distinguishing it from what some people perceived as the more dour take on the human psyche found in clinical psychology. And self-help books written to assist people in finding happiness are now regularly found on bestseller lists.
According to the positive psychology researcher, Sonja Lyubomirsky, happiness is defined as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.” Though I find this definition useful at a theoretical level, I find it to be not so helpful at a practical level; it feels too binary and lacking in nuance. If you don’t check all of these boxes, does that mean you’re not happy? I would suggest that happiness is a matter of degree and not kind, and is far more complicated than it is often made out to be (as is the case with most psychological concepts).
Over the last year, I have seen my clients face a myriad of challenges, have observed the powerful impact of the COVID-19 crisis on many people professionally and personally, and, admittedly, have had some happiness challenges of my own. These experiences have led me to think deeply about happiness, where it comes from, what we do to seek it, and what prevents us from finding it.
It is decidedly American to believe that everyone can be happy in the purest sense of the word. Like success, wealth, fame, and status, believing that everyone has the opportunity to be happy if they just work at it hard enough is an essential part of the American dream. I would suggest, however, that, like so many aspects of the American dream, this is simply not so. Why? For one thing, if happiness was so easily accessible, most of us would have attained it by now without help from the aforementioned self-help industry. Additionally, because research has shown that genes play a significant role in one’s happiness, by some estimates, between 40-80 percent. Problematically, as you well know, genes are allotted by lottery; we didn’t get to choose our genes, nor can we change the genes we serendipitously received. Yes, our activities play a role as do our life circumstances, but they don’t have nearly the influence as the genes we received from our parents. What this line of inquiry indicates, somewhat depressingly, is that some people are genetically predisposed to not be happy. But the researchers, not wanting to be buzzkills, also say that there is no way to tell what the particular influences are for individuals.
These explorations have led me to identify five levels of happiness ranging from very basic happiness to a false sense of happiness to happy feelings to true and lasting happiness.
Instinctual Happiness
The most basic form of happiness is what I call “instinctual happiness.” This elementary type of happiness can be best described by the old saying, “I’m just happy to be alive!” Instinctual happiness is less real happiness than simply the appreciation for having survived another day. It may be that instinctual happiness is what our primitive forbearers felt on the Serengeti 250,000 years ago when they earned the title of Homo Sapiens. Instinctual happiness was less about feelings of elation, joy, and serenity than about the absence of hunger, thirst, and cold, very much akin to the lowest rung of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Defended Happiness
As I posited in an article I wrote in 2012, happiness may not be the presence, but rather the absence, of certain feelings. For example, we experience what we call happiness when we are not experiencing psychological obstacles such as doubt, worry, ruminations, or hypervigilance. We also experience what we call happiness when we are not experiencing aversive emotions such as fear, frustration, anger, or despair. Lastly, we experience what we call happiness when there are no physical barriers including stress, exhaustion, illness, and injury.
Unfortunately, we aren’t often able to just relieve ourselves of these truly unpleasant experiences because they are either deeply ingrained, beyond our control, or must be endured due to our life circumstances. Psychotherapy or other forms of interventions can help, but they are definitely not foolproof.
In these situations, we engage in what I call “defended happiness,” in which we develop habits and patterns of thinking, feeling, behaving, and interacting with the world that protect us from the pain sufficiently to feel some mild semblance of happiness (again, more the absence of ill feelings rather than the presence of good feelings). Perfectionism, fear of failure, need for control, need to please, and social isolation (and, in extreme cases, severe mental illness) are all ways in which we attempt to feel less unhappy. In this defended form of happiness, we are, in a way, choosing the lesser of the two evils. Unfortunately, as you look at this list of ways to reduce our pain, you will see little opportunity for real happiness. But, for many people, that is as happy as they are going to get (at least in the short term). Apologies for sounding so fatalistic, but life can be that way.
Medicated Happiness
Sadly, despite our best efforts, some of us are unable to readily defend ourselves against unhappiness through internal action (i.e., changing the way we think, feel, or behave). In this situation, we turn to external means, which brings me to my third level of happiness, “medicated happiness.” As I noted above, we all experience thoughts and emotions that detract from our happiness. In response, we engage in activities that “medicate” us against those experiences.
Most of us do things that aren’t really harmful, yet temporarily dull the emotional pain we may feel that prevents our experiencing some modicum of happiness. Moreover, our “medications” can help us to experience a psychological and emotional state that resembles happiness as we know it, at least in short bursts. We surround ourselves with people who make us feel loved, valued, supported, and encouraged. We exercise which takes our minds off of our troubles, makes us feel good physically, and releases endorphins (which reduces stress and can produce a brief bursts of euphoria). We immerse ourselves in work, hobbies, and other activities (e.g., charitable work, art, cooking, movie watching, reading, the list is endless) that distract us from and temporarily dull our pain. Though less common, some people go to extreme lengths to medicate themselves in ways that not only cause more unhappiness, but also have significant health implications including drinking alcohol, taking drugs, and gambling.
Contented Happiness
The levels of happiness that I’ve described so far hardly fit into our culturally defined understanding of what happiness should be. At the same time, the reality is that one of the above three levels of happiness may be as good as it’s going to get for some people whether due to genes or unfortunate life circumstances.
Thankfully, my fourth level of happiness, what I call “contented happiness” is now heading in a much better direction. Contentment is the feeling that we get when we engage in pleasurable activities such as walking our dogs, having dinner with friends, hanging out with our children, pursuing an enjoyable hobby, the list goes on. I don’t see this as deep happiness, but rather the generating of positive emotions that are temporary, yet important in that they make us feel “happy” for a little while. The research I mentioned above affirms this notion of contented happiness by suggesting that we choose our activities that align with our personalities, values, and interests. Such activities will, they suggest, produce the greatest amount of good feelings possible which can give the experience of, though, I would argue, not the depth and breadth of so-called real happiness.
Existential Happiness
At the top of my happiness hierarchy lies what I call “existential happiness.” I would characterize this as the only “real” happiness, the most deep, true, and lasting form of happiness. Existential happiness comes from living our lives in a way that is infused with meaning, satisfaction, and joy. It comes from living an authentic life based on our values; having a passion for and caring deeply about something; setting, striving for, and achieving deeply held goals; engaging in activities that are fulfilling; and being deeply connected to others.
As you can imagine, this is no small feat given that the reality of much of life is often mundane, routine, and rote. Moreover, so much of our American culture pushes us to pursue happiness in the wrong direction, telling us it is about wealth, power, status, consumption, and beauty.
As I consider this article to this point, it can seem pretty darned depressing, making happiness seem both out of our control and beyond our capabilities. Yet, such a stoic view of happiness will only occur if you only pursue the kind of happiness that our culture is trying to sell you.
In my next article on happiness, I’ll explore why happiness is worth pursuing and how we can actually find happiness, though it may not be the Pollyannaish happiness that we have been brainwashed to believe in. In the meantime, I would recommend that, as you look for happiness in your life, you consider four paths forward. First, initially focus on the obstacles that have prevented your experiencing happiness to this point. In other words, look for ways to let go of whatever has caused you to settle for defended or medicated happiness. Second, figure out what your values are and what gives meaning to your life. Third, within the confines of the busy, stressful, and humdrum lives we often lead, build experiences that given you purpose, fulfillment, and joy into your daily lives on a regular basis, thus making those routine days a little less routine. Finally, free yourself of the shackles of a belief about happiness (“I can find nirvana!”) that probably doesn’t exist and embrace an understanding of happiness that you can actually attain.
