It was almost 7 years ago that I wrote about the death of two ski racers, David Poisson, a French downhiller, and, closer to home, Max Burkhart, a German athlete who was attending Sugar Bowl Academy, where my daughters used to go to school and where I was a long-time member of its Board of Trustees. And it was only two years before that ski racing mourned the losses of US Ski Teamers, Ronnie Berlack and Bryce Astle.

It is with profound sadness that our ski racing family must mourn the loss of another family member, 19-year-old Matilde Lorenzi, a rising star from Italy, from injuries suffered in a training accident.

Everyone involved in ski racing, especially the racers themselves and their parents, know and accept the risks of our sport. Most often, those risks reveal themselves in serious injuries as we have seen more frequently in recent years . Yet, remarkably, many of those who succumb to those injuries show incredible resilience and an indominable spirit by battling back from injury through patience and hard work, and returning to the top of our sport.

As I noted in my 2017 article, “Injuries are understandable, and they usually heal. Death is inexplicable and final.”

As with my last article about ski racing, this article was inspired by the mother of a young ski racer who didn’t know what to say to her daughter upon learning of Matilde’s death. Knowing that the news would be talked about among her fellow racers, this mom emailed me asking for advice on what she could possibly say to her daughter that would make this loss, and the potential discomfort, a little more palatable for her. This article expands on this ideas I shared with her in this beyond-difficult conversation.

1. Before you talk, listen. Find out how much your child knows about Matilde’s death and what has been talked about it among their peers and in their ski program. Fortunately or unfortunately, few details about her death have been reported, so what your child has heard or what is being talked about may or may not be accurate.
2. Observe. Watch for your child’s emotional reaction to the news. You should, of course, look for overt signs of negative emotions, such as tears. At the same time, you should also have your radar on for more subtle signs of distress, such as changes in mood or mood swings, social withdrawal, a sudden loss of motivation, difficulty sleeping, changes in eating habits, and strong negative emotions that are out of proportion to a particular situation.
3. Give your child permission to grieve. This is priority #1! Our culture doesn’t encourage emotional experience or expression; it is often seen as a sign of weakness. But I believe just the opposite. It takes courage to feel negative emotions deeply and, even more, to share those feelings with others.

The protective tendency as a parent is to distract, assuage, and placate painful feelings in our children. But that won’t help and would, in fact, do a disservice to your child in the moment and in their overall development as people. Sadly, your child’s life will have its share of loss, and the experience of healthy grieving will be good emotional practice for future losses (whether a broken heart or the death of their parents at some point; hopefully later rather than sooner).

4. Just be there for them. As part of the “Mama bear or Papa bear” instinct to protect your child, you want to say something that will make them feel better. Unfortunately, there is likely nothing you can say to ease their pain. So, don’t feel the need to say anything to your child. In times like these, there isn’t much to be said. Just be there and encourage them to feel their sadness and, if they choose to, to share it with you.
5. Express your love. At its most basic level, news of a death makes kids feel unsafe. One of the most powerful things you can do to support your child is to express your love and support of them. Communicating these two messages to your child can make them feel a bit safer, while also causing them to feel other powerful emotions, such as love, empathy, compassion, that can ease the pain of their grief.
6. Provide some perspective…maybe. If your child asks questions like why and how, try to answer, though there are rarely no real answers. One of my favorite, yet saddest, sayings that I share with the racers with whom I work is: “S&%# happens in ski racing (and life).” I usually use this in the context of a DNF or even an injury, but it applies far more painfully to the inevitable losses in life that we all experience. Helping your child understand the randomness and sometimes harshness of life can help them to be a little less shocked when bad things happen in their lives.
7. Reach out to others. As the news of Matilde’s death will impact all ski racers, I encourage you to reach to the head of school if your child is at a ski academy or the director of the race team they are a member of. Importantly, ensure that the school or program is providing professional support to the students (and staff) who might need it. This “it takes a village” approach creates for young racers a cocoon of caring and support that can make their sadness more manageable while feeling supported through this difficult time.

Finally, I want to express my sincerest condolences to the parents, family, and friends of Matilde Lorenzi. By all accounts, she was an exceptional young ski racer and, more importantly, a fine young woman. I also want to express my respect for Matilde’s parents who, though experiencing their own personal hell in the loss of their daughter, are also taking steps to ensure that other ski racers (and their families) don’t suffer a similar fate. The Lorenzi family has established a fund aimed at developing ways to make skiing safer, so their daughter’s fate doesn’t happen again. As Adolfo Lorenzi stated, “We believe that what happened to Matilde must be an opportunity;” OMG, what a courageous thing to say; brings tears to my eyes just reading it!