It’s one thing to say you want to raise competent children. It’s an entirely different thing to know how to raise competent children. This post explores three practical ways in which you can help your children to become competent—and confident—people.
Catchphrases for Competence
My 8-year-old, Catie, came up with our family’s catchphrase for competence when she was only two and a half. She was walking unassisted along a three-foot-high stone wall in our front yard (with me spotting her) and when she got to the end, she yelled “I did it!” with such enthusiasm and pride. And the catchphrase stuck. To this day, whenever Catie or Gracie (our 6-year-old) accomplishes something, they yell “I did it!” My wife, Sarah, and I have latched onto it too; when the girls do something well, we say “You did it!”
Debi, the mother of four-year-old Ethan, knew she was risk averse and saw how it had hurt her growing up. She was determined not to send that message to Ethan. Once when Ethan was about two years old, they saw a mother bird in a field with her baby trying to fly. At first, the baby bird would flap its wings and would just barely get off the ground at which point its mother chirped incessantly and which Debi translated for Ethan to mean “Keep trying, you can fly, I know you can!” With each attempt, the baby bird rose higher and higher until, after much effort, it soared high and far on its maiden flight. The baby bird landed near its mom and, as much as birds are capable, gushed with pride and chirped with excitement. At that moment, Debi’s catchphrase for competence dawned on her: “Try bird, fly bird.” To this day, any time Ethan is reluctant to try something or Debi feels hesitant about something he wants to try, she says “Try bird, fly bird!,” Ethan gives a big grin, and he, like that baby bird, takes off.
Mark, the father of two boys and a girl, wanted his children to fear nothing (within reason, of course). And being a liberal (I don’t mean to inject politics here), he was inspired by President Obama’s attitude and successful run to the White House. So, using our president as his inspiration, Mark made his family’s catchphrase for competence a modified version of President Obama’s campaign slogan, “Yes, we can!” When his kids were trying something for the first time, he would declare “Yes, you can!” And before any new challenge, he or his wife would also ask their children “Can you do it?” and they would say “Yes, I can!”
Catchphrases don’t have to be just words. They can be physical movements too (catchmoves?). At one point some time ago when Catie accomplished something, I spontaneously gave her a thumbs-up. She loved that and now when she or Gracie do something, I either flash them the thumbs-up or I combine it with saying “Thumbs up” with enthusiasm. In doing so, I send them the message of praise of their competence through three conduits: the physical action of thumbs-up, my saying “Thumbs-up,” and the emotional tone of my saying the catchphrase. And now when I ask them how something is, they often don’t say anything, they just flash me the “Thumbs up.” Catie and Gracie have even created a rating system with the thumbs up. Double thumbs-up is “awesome.” One thumbs-up is “great.” A thumb parallel to the ground is “okay.” And a thumbs-down is “bad.”
Routines and Rituals for Competence
Anything that takes effort to accomplish is an opportunity for your children to get the message of competence. And the more repetition that you can expose your children to, the more likely that the specific competency and the general sense of competence will be instilled. Without realizing it, you probably already have many daily routines that enhance your children’s sense of competence. When you think deliberately about these opportunities, you’re able to identify even more such opportunities and can really maximize the benefits for those to which your children are exposed.
You can build these “windows” of competence into your daily routines and combine them with other messages such as responsibility. For example, the chores that you assign your children, such as folding and putting their clothes away or piling their books on the table in the family room, are also great openings for them to gain that sense of competence.
Dinnertime is one of those windows. Since they were less than two years old, Catie and Gracie set the table before dinner and have been required to bring their dishes, cups, and silverware to the sink after dinner. For some time as they mastered these skills, after-dinner clean-up was a pretty precarious and messy time as the girls frequently dropped their (wood) plates and spilled food and milk. But before too long, they not only learned to clear the table with ease and skill, but they now like to serve dinner as well. They are also required to fold their napkins after dinner, no small feat of fine motor coordination for young children.
Darlene and Peter use their twin son’s and daughter’s bedtime to instill competence. They have given them progressively more responsibility to clean up their rooms, get undressed and into their pajamas, brush and floss their teeth, and pick out their books. It has gotten to the point where their children don’t want them to intrude on their bedtime preparations (even though they aren’t quite ready to go it alone). Darlene and Peter combine these experiences with appropriate praise (“You brushed your teeth all by yourself!” said with enthusiasm) to really ingrain the belief in their own competence.
Edie sees competency windows in her boys’ morning routines. From just after their fourth birthdays, Tommy and Greg were required to make their beds and get themselves dressed for pre-school. Of course, Edie had to “ride herd” over them at first, coaxing and coaching them in how to pull the top sheet and blanket up on their beds, take their clothes out of their drawers, and put them on (as adults, we forget how incredibly difficult it is to zip up pants and button shirts). But by age five, both boys were old hands at getting ready while their mother prepared breakfast and packed their school lunches. Edie readily admits that her efforts were partly selfish. Because her husband left for work well before the boys woke up, this early “training” lightened her load in the morning and made life a whole lot easier for her.
Activities for Competence
Your days are rife with activities, both mundane and fun, in which your children can gain that sense of competence. You just need to recognize them for what they are and look for ways to include your children in them.
Sarah has a garden in our backyard in which she grows all kinds of vegetables. It is a source of great pride to serve our family produce right from her own garden. And our girls love being “farmers” too. Sarah assigned Catie and Gracie a corner of the garden that is their own and even bought them children’s gardening kits complete with a pink bucket, gloves, and gardening tools. Sarah helped our girls decide what vegetables to plant and then showed them how to prepare the soil, plant the vegetables, and, when ripe, harvest the fresh produce. When Catie and Gracie share the fruits (I mean vegetables) of their labor with me, they are two happy (and increasingly competent) little agriculturalists.
After returning from the supermarket, Jonah and Lucy require their two children to carry a bag of groceries into the kitchen. If they are too heavy, which most bags are for small children, they will take one handle and their kids will take the other. Similarly, when they visit extended family, each child packs their own little roller bags and carries them to and from the car. If their family is flying, their children are required to roll their bags through the airport.
Our girls love to “help” Sarah make dinner. I put help in quotes because, as you might have experienced yourself, two little girls trying to help their mother prepare dinner can actually make the process longer, more complicated, and messier. Despite these drawbacks, Sarah usually allows them to take part by pouring, mixing, and chopping (with a dull knife, of course) ingredients. Not only are Catie and Gracie gaining a sense of culinary competence, they are also mastering a wonderful skill that will offer them practical value and joy for a lifetime.
Karl is a real “do-it-yourself” guy; he just loves fixing things (his motto is: I usually fix the problem, but I don’t guarantee my work). His three children love to be his “apprentices.” When Karl goes to repair something, he allows them to carry a tool. During the repair itself, he gives each of them the opportunity to use a tool so they feel like they are making the repair, for example, to screw in screw, tighten a bolt, or hold onto the drill while drilling a hole.
Darcy and Wayne weren’t going to fall for all of the advertising of so-called educational games and toys. They grew up without all of that fancy rigmarole and turned out just fine. They believed that if they just stuck to the basics, their two children, Lars and Lena, would turn out just fine too. So, their time with their kids is filled with reading, playing games, doing puzzles, playing sports, engaging in pretend play, exploring nature, and creating art.
