If you look at the title of my recent blog post about Amy Chua, What Chinese-American Mothers to Wrong (and Right), and the title of this piece, you may be thinking that I have Multiple Personality Disorder, excoriating her one day and expressing my affection for her the next. I have since thought more about her wsj.com article and learned more about her. I began to look beneath the surface of her words and consider what underlay her seemingly outrageous (at least for many of us) treatment of her daughters and saw much to admire. And I thoroughly agree with many of her criticisms of what is severely lacking in the parenting approach of her predominantly white, educated, and affluent counterparts.
Here is what I love about the Tiger Mom:
1. Amy Chua knows what she values and lives those values. I may not agree with her values, but I respect that she’s willing to “cowboy up” with her values. In my private practice, at speaking engagements around the country, and in my own community north of San Francisco, I see too many parents who either don’t know what they value, don’t have the courage of their convictions to live their values, or are just plain too lazy or selfish to raise their children in accordance with their values.
2. Ms. Chua doesn’t give a damn about public perception. Though bragging about calling your child garbage is probably not a great social lubricant at a cocktail party, I respect that she isn’t swayed by what others think, say, or write. Too many parents today are more concerned about how they are viewed as parents than what kind of children they are raising and only too willing to get on the “runaway train” of what everyone else is doing.
3. Ms. Chua is totally committed to doing what is best for her children (even if many of us disagree on what constitutes “best”). In both my work and family lives, I hear far too many parents talking the talk , but not walking the walk, on raising their children. You have to hand it to the Tiger Mom; she’s willing to do the “heaving lifting” of being a parent in a culture of parenting that is often unwilling to work up a sweat.
4. I respect Ms. Chua’s willingness to “rage against the machine” of pop culture and pop psychology; she knows that most of it is a bunch of hooey. And she’s prepared to protect her children from popular culture’s mostly awful messages and resist pop psychology’s absurd messages about how to raise children (e.g., you should be friends with your children).
5. Ms. Chua has been willing to subject herself to sometimes vitriolic criticism. At the same time, she has ignited a much-needed national conversation about raising children in 21st century America.
6. Unlike so many insecure, conflicted, and angst-ridden parents in our demographic, I appreciate Ms. Chua’s unrepentant confidence in her parenting style. She has faith in the path she has cleared for her daughters (and I believe that confidence is beneficial for them) and doesn’t waste psychic energy questioning, doubting, or otherwise beating herself up about whether her approach is right or wrong (though admittedly there are some downsides to such certitude).
I had sensed a real narcissism in Ms. Chua’s maniacal behavior toward her daughters. But now I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she has been willing to fight the good fight for her children based on what she truly believes. In a culture of parenting that is sorely lacking that kind of conviction, I think all parents can learn a few things about raising their children from this Tiger Mom. And, as the father of two little girls with a maniacal streak of my own, I can only hope that I have the fortitude to make the tough decisions and take the path of most resistance when it comes to raising my daughters.
