Dr. Jim Taylor’s blog

I already wrote a post about Elizabeth Lambert, the newest? member of the Sports Hall of Shame, for her unsportspersonlike behavior during a recent college soccer game. But I had another perspective I wanted to share because of all the attention she has gotten in the media.

I actually feel sorry for Ms. Lambert. Don?t get me wrong. She deserved whatever punishment her coach and her school?s athletic department chooses to mete out. Personally, I think suspension is much too lenient; a public apology to the opposing players and team (she just gave) and expulsion from the team? would seem appropriate.

But my sympathy goes out to her for the much greater punishment that she is suffering at the hands of the ravenous sensationalistic news media, notably, the 24-hour cable-news channels. I can just imagine the drooling mouth of this rapacious beast salivating over another big kill. Ms. Lambert will be publicly humiliated and flogged by this beast.

My question is: Does she deserve it? Certainly, if she had acted so deplorably in an era before the Internet, no such public punishment would have resulted. Tonya Harding, whose organized attack on one of her competitors, Nancy Kerrigan, was much more sinister and injurious, yet she quickly slipped away into private ignominy. Unsportspersonlike behavior occurs daily on the fields and courts of high-school, collegiate, and professional sports. One of her crimes is simply that she was caught on video and those images were transmitted virally on youtube and beyond. Sadly, many professional male athletes, Michael Vick for one,? have been forgiven and once again idolized for much worse transgressions. Is there redemption in Ms. Lambert?s future? I doubt it because she didn?t just defy our notions of sportspersonship, she violated our most basic beliefs about how women should behavior (however antiquated they may be).

Is she a perpetrator of shameful behavior? Absolutely. But she is also a victim of a media that thrives ? dare I say, survives ? on such lurid episodes.

Maybe she is a bad person and that her behavior in that soccer game is her modus operandi. But I?m going to guess that, though she is a fierce ? and decidedly dirty ? competitor on the field, she is likely an intelligent, hard-working, and nice enough person off the field who is loved by her family and friends.

So let her suffer reasonable punishment. Let her accept the public flogging she is currently getting from the media, whether justified or not. But then let?s realize that, in a world with so many serious problems, what she did is really so undeserving of our attention and interest. Let Ms. Lambert hopefully learn from this experience, rebuild her life and perhaps even return to the soccer pitch. Let us turn our attention to matters of real import to us. And, of course, let the sensationalistic media move on to the next feeding frenzy that will likely come to down the pike in the very near future.

Elizabeth Lambert has become an overnight sensation?but not in a good way. Thanks to the viral power of youtube, her decidedly unsportspersonlike (we can?t say unsportsmanlike any longer) behavior during a recent college soccer game has landed her in the Deplorable Behavior Hall of Fame along side such luminaries as Kermit Washington, Bill Romanowski, Mike Tyson, just to name a few males, and, the only other female athlete to meet its lofty (or should I say base) standards, Tonya Harding.

Ms. Lambert?s repeated and unprovoked physical assaults on opposing players during a recent game are truly appalling in their own right. But that?s not what really shocked me. You can see that sort of outrageousness regularly in men?s professional sports. And it?s usually a badge of honor (unless truly over the top or injurious) for male athletes. Such behavior from men is usually rationalized as being expressions of their passion, intensity, and commitment to winning. This sophomoric behavior typically receives a wink, a nod, and a conspiratorial grin ? boys will be boys! ? and a place in the daily ESPN Sports Center highlights, right along side the trash talking and touchdown dances.

What made Ms. Lambert?s behavior stand out was that it came from a woman. Quite simply, it violated our long-standing perceptions of lady-like decorum and our belief that female athletes are somehow above the lowly behavior so often exhibited by their male counterparts. Plus, it flew in the face of the uber-sportspersonship we typically see among professional and Olympic female athletes; their message on and off the field usually is ?it?s just a game!?

From the reports I read and watched, I also sensed a perverse attraction by male viewers ?in the same vein as women?s wrestling (whether of the mud, vegetable oil, or other varieties) and the Lingerie Football League. Sort of a lesbian dominatrix thing going on. Men love a good cat fight, even if it?s one sided. Male viewers may have been morally outraged, but they were also viscerally titillated.

I also heard and read a number of ?you go, girl!? reactions from women. My guess is that many women were conflicted. Consciously, they were appalled by Ms. Lambert?s shameful behavior. At the same time, based on comments I received from a handful of young female athletes, some n actually respected her aggressiveness and were quietly envious of how she gave her opponents ?the smackdown? (doesn?t everyone want to do that to someone periodically?).

I certainly don?t approve of Ms. Lambert?s incredibly inappropriate behavior and I hope that her punishment far exceeds a simple suspension. At the same time, I find myself applauding what she did, at least in the big-picture symbolic sense. Ms. Lambert has blown our antiquated notions of women out of the water. No longer can we think of women as subtle, back-stabbing passive-aggressors (bye, bye Gossip Girls and Desperate Housewives). She showed us that women can be just as nasty, vicious, and ?in your face? as any guy. And isn?t that an important step forward in the evolution of women in our society.

In the September issue of Prime Business Alert!, I introduced you to my perspective on work/life balance: what it is, the causes of work/life imbalance, and the basic process for how you can create better balance in your work and personal lives. This issue will focus on specific and practical strategies you can use to actually establish better work/life balance.

Warm Fuzzies

If your life is out of balance, perhaps too many hours and too much energy devoted to your work and not enough time and energy available for other important aspects of your life, ask yourself what is missing. I call these the ?warm fuzzies,? namely, what it is that makes you feel happy and balanced. Warm fuzzies can include exercise, good food, time with family and friends, and cultural or religious activities.

Because you may have considerable commitments at work that are unavoidable and there only so many hours in the day, you may not realistically be able to fulfill every warm fuzzy. But with clarity of your warm fuzzies, you can then ask yourself which you value most and want to set as your priorities as you work to gain better work/life balance.

The Family Factor

If you are married or have a family, you add another element to finding work/life balance. You can?t just cater to your needs, but have to add the needs and priorities of your spouse and children to the mix.

You can best include your family?s needs into your efforts for work/life balance with clear and open communication. When you listen to their concerns and show respect and understanding, you can create a partnership that can work together to meet everyone?s needs (remind yourself that when your life is tilted too heavily toward work, your family?s lives are likely out of balance too).

Prioritize Your Work Schedule

In my work with businesspeople, I?ve found that the best place to begin to establish balance is to rework their daily schedule. Usually, an examination of the daily agenda reveals inefficiencies that can be eliminated and, in doing so, reduce the time and energy needed at work.

First, write out your daily schedule and the amount of time that you devote to each responsibility. It?s been my experience that, though there will always be some changes on a day-to-day basis, a basic and predictable schedule is common.

Next, establish your work priorities: what do you absolutely need to do, what is less important, and what can be delegated. You will likely find that you are spending time on tasks that aren?t essential or timely.

Then, rewrite your daily schedule to take into account these newly identified priorities. When you allow your daily calendar to be driven by your priorities, not vice versa, you will likely be more effective, less stressed, and have more time on your hands.

Be Efficient

When I work with, for example, a management team, the first thing I look for is how efficient they are in accomplishing their tasks. I have found four simple strategies can increase efficiency dramatically.

First, be disciplined. The danger of meetings, telephone calls, and emails is that, if you aren?t disciplined, they can get off-topic and waste time. In your daily schedule, determine how much time to devote to these communications and stay on task and on time.

Second, be focused. When you?re working on a project be totally present. Don?t be distracted by activities earlier in the day or what might happen later in the day. The more you can focus on the task at hand, the better job you will do and the sooner you?ll get it done.

Third, be productive. As I described in my previous newsletter on multitasking, when you try to do many tasks at once, they all suffer. And if you think you?re such a great multitasker, forget about it! Research has shown that, one, people who think they are great multitaskers are actually rather bad at multitasking and, two, multitaskers are neither productive nor efficient. Pick a task, set everything else aside, get the job done, then move on to the next task.

Fourth, control your technology. Most businesspeople believe that technology, such as computers, mobile phones, and email, has made them more productive and efficient. To the contrary, in many cases, technology acts as a distraction that interferes with your doing your job well. Research has also demonstrated that technology has added to the work/life imbalance of businesspeople.

Separate Your Work and Your Life

Part of the problem with technology is that you can now easily take your work home with you. You can do work and be reached away from the office by computer, mobile phone, and email. But by melding your work and life, you throw your work and life even more out of balance.

As much as you can, leave your work at work. If you have to bring work home, don?t? do work when you should be doing life. Set aside time at home when you aren?t with your spouse or children and get the work done. A big no-no in work/life balance is taking a business call or responding to email when you are, for example, at the park with your children or at dinner with friends.

Be in the moment away from work. Remind yourself that, when you?re doing warm fuzzies, you can?t enjoy them fully if you?re not fully ?there.? When you?re experiencing life, allow yourself to be totally immersed in it, which means not allowing work to intrude (unless there?s a crisis that requires your immediate attention).

Finally, have technology discipline. Few people are so important that they need to be in constant contact with the office 24/7. Allow yourself to turn off your smartphone when you?re home or leave it at home when you?re out doing life.

Be Realistic

When it comes to work/life balance, don?t strive for perfection. The reality is that imbalance happens; it?s the nature of work and life. When you are forced to experience imbalance at any given point in time, don?t beat yourself up about it. Your goal isn?t to be in balance all of the time. Your goals should be to be balanced most of the time and, when life become imbalanced, seek out brief periods of balance in the imbalance to keep you from tipping over completely.

Keys to Balance

I want to conclude with three things that I have personally found to be essential for establishing an over-all state of work/life balance.

First, get enough sleep. We are complex beings and sleep is indispensible to our physical and psychological well-being. Balance without adequate sleep is simply impossible.

Second, a day off is a day off. Except when absolutely necessary, shut and lock the door on your office (literally and metaphorically speaking) on your days off. Devote them entirely to warm fuzzies or important non-work responsibilities. Real days off rejuvenate, recenter, and recharge you, so that when you return to work, you?re again ready to roll.

Third, take a vacation. The key to your over-all physical and psychological health, in other words, your work/life balance, is to allow yourself extended periods of time in which you leave work behind and immerse yourself thoroughly in life. Vacations enable you to make deposits to your ?psychic savings account? that you can draw on when your work/life balance once again gets out of kilter.

The next three issues of Prime Sport Alert! will be devoted to intensity, which may be the most important contributor to athletic performance once the competition begins. It?s so important because all of the motivation, confidence, focus, and emotions in the world won?t help you if your body is not physiologically capable of doing what it needs to do for you to perform your best.

Simply put, intensity is the amount of physiological activity you experience in your body including heart rate, respiration, and adrenaline. Intensity is a continuum that ranges from sleep (very relaxed) to terror (very anxious). Somewhere in between those two extremes is the level of intensity at which you perform your best.

The challenge with intensity is that there is not one ideal intensity for all athletes. Depending on your physical and psychological make-up, you may perform best very relaxed, moderately intense, or bouncing off the walls with intensity.

The sport you compete in also impacts intensity. Sports that have different physiological demands will have different intensity requirements. For example, sports that involve quick and powerful bursts of energy, such as weight lifting or sprinting, need higher intensity. In contrast, sports that involve fine motor-skills or endurance, for instance, golf or marathon running, respectively, require much lower intensity.

Intensity is made up of two components. First, there is the physical experience of intensity, that is, what you actually feel in your body when you are competing. Are you calm or filled with energy?? Are you relaxed or tense?? Second, there is your perception of the intensity. In other words, do you perceive the intensity positively or negatively?? Two athletes can feel the exact same thing physiologically, but interpret those physical feelings in very different ways. One may view the intensity as excitement and it will help his performance. Another may see the intensity as anxiety and it will hurt his performance.

The physical experience and the perception of intensity are affected by several mental factors. If you are not confident, feeling frustrated and angry, and focusing on winning rather than on performing your best, you will see the intensity as negative. In contrast, if you are confident and positive, happy and excited, and focused on performing well, the intensity will be perceived as positive.

Signs of Over- and Under-intensity

Intensity produces a wide variety of physical and mental symptoms that can help you recognize when your intensity is too high or too low. By being aware of these signs, you will be able to know when you?re not performing at prime intensity and can take steps to reach that ideal level.

Overintensity. Muscle tension and breathing difficulties are the most common signs of overintensity. Most athletes indicate that when they?re too intense, they feel tension in their shoulders and their legs, which happen to be the two most important physical areas for many sports. If a swimmer?s shoulders are tense, the motion of her strokes will shorten and she won?t be able to swim with ease or power.? When a high jumper?s legs are tense, he loses the ability to run and jump with smoothness and explosiveness.

Many athletes also report that their breathing becomes short and choppy when they get nervous. This restriction in breathing means that they?re not getting enough oxygen into their system so they will tire quickly. I?ve also found that the smoothness of athletes? movement tends to mirror their breathing. If their breathing is long and smooth, so is their movement. If their breathing is abrupt and uneven, their movements are jerky and uncomfortable.

Athletes who are overly intense often exhibit poor posture and a stiff gait. Muscle tension causes their shoulders to rise and their body to seem to close up. Athletes make more mistakes when they?re overly intense because anxiety disrupts coordination. Overintensity interferes with motor control that affects technical skills and movement. Athletes who are anxious also increase the pace of the competition. For example, an overly intense cyclist may go out too fast early in a road race. Athletes often look rushed and frantic. If opponents are taking their time, overly intense athletes become impatient at the slow pace.

Overintensity negatively influences athletes mentally as well. Anxiety lowers confidence and causes doubts in ability. The physical and mental discomfort produces negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and depression. The anxiety, doubts, and negative emotions hurt focus by drawing athletes? attention away from performing their best and onto how badly they feel.

Underintensity. Though not as common, athletes can also experience underintensity during competition. The most common symptoms of underintensity are low energy and lethargy. Athletes lack the adrenaline they need to give their best effort. Though not as discomforting as overintensity, underintensity hurts performance equally because athletes lack the physical requisites such as strength, stamina, and agility to meet the demands of their sport.

Mentally, underintensity undermines motivation. Athletes just don?t feel like being out there. The lack of interest caused by too low intensity also impairs their focus because they?re easily distracted and have difficulty staying focused on their performances.

Line Between Intensity and Tensity

The ultimate goal of prime intensity is to find the precise line between intensity and tensity (yes, that is actually a word). The closer you can get to that line, the more your body will work for you in achieving Prime Sport. If you cross the line to tensity, your body will no longer be physically capable of attained Prime Sport. Great athletes have the ability to do two things related to this line. First, they have a better understanding of where that line is, so they can ?tightrope walk? on it, thereby maximizing what their bodies can give them. Second, they?re able to stay on that line longer than other athletes, which enables them to perform at a consistently higher level for longer periods of time.

Key Competitive Situations

There are common competitive situations in which you can expect that your intensity will shift away from prime intensity. If you can identify these situations when they occur, you can more quickly take steps to prevent a change in intensity that may hurt your performance. These competitive situations usually relate to when you?re either ahead or behind in a competition, or the competition is on the line.

Overintensity is most common in pressure situations such as in the finals of competitions or an overtime period. Anytime you believe that you must win a point or a game, your intensity will probably rise beyond your prime intensity. Underintensity is seen most often in competitive situations where you believe that you have the competition won, for example, you have a big lead or time is running out.

There is not, however, a consistent pattern in how intensity will change for all athletes. Athletes in the same competitive situation can experience different changes in intensity. For example, one athlete may have an increase in intensity and feel very nervous because she?s never defeated her opponent before and doesn?t totally believe that she can. While another athlete in the same situation might have a decrease in intensity and feel a letdown because she?s already mentally in the locker room thinking about her next competition. You have to figure out how you typically react and then use the psych-up and psych-down techniques that I will discuss in a future newsletter to achieve and maintain prime intensity.

The basic idea behind unconditional love seems quite reasonable. You should love your children just for who they are, regardless of what they do. Children shouldn?t have to worry whether their actions will cause you to love them less. They should be able to count on your love no matter what.

But unconditional love is a rather new phenomenon. As recently as the 1950s, conditional love was the dominant parenting approach. It was a way to maintain control, foster conformity, and instill certain values and beliefs held by parents and society at large.

The Pushback

But something happened in the sixties. Perhaps it was a reaction to the rigidity of the post-World-War-II era. It was as if the children of the forties and fifties said, ?That?s enough. We want to be loved regardless of what we do.? So they decided to raise their children with unconditional love. Within a short time, America went from ?Love if you obey and behave? to ?Love without limits.? Instead of figuring out what kinds of conditional love work and what kinds don?t, many parents cut all of the strings and made love conditional on nothing.

Unfortunately, the pendulum swung too far. If you look at unconditional love carefully you see why this grand experiment failed. By taking away conditional love, parents lost their ability to influence their children. Parents gave their children carte blanche in the misguided belief that this freedom would build their self-esteem, foster maturity and independence, and allow them to become successful and happy people. But what it actually did was hurt self-esteem, encourage immaturity, and ill prepare children for life in the adult world.

Reality Check

Rewarding children?love is really the ultimate form of reward?regardless of their behavior robs children of one of their most important lessons?that their actions have consequences. What more powerful inducement to good action is there for your child than the threat of losing your love? I think we should give up on our belief that unconditional love exists. Most things in life have strings attached and love is no different.

In reality, you constantly use love to reward or punish your children?s behavior. When you show disapproval toward your children, you are actually showing them that your love can be momentarily withheld, that your love is, in fact, conditional. For example, you probably do not act lovingly when your children are disobedient, selfish, whiny, or are cruel to their siblings. Are you truly withholding your love in these situations? Probably not; you still love them. But children are not sophisticated enough to tell the difference between ?We disapprove of your behavior? and ?Because of what you did, we are taking away our love.? Your child?s perception is that love has been temporarily suspended. To your child, it feels like, ?I did something wrong and my parents don?t love me now.? Why do you think parenting experts tell you that, after you have given your children a time-out, you must tell them how much you love them.

Reversing on the Wrong Course

At some point many parents saw that the pendulum had swung too far and they realized that unconditional love wasn?t working. Many children were lazy, disinterested, and out of control. These children weren?t good people and they weren?t successful or happy. Clearly, a change needed to be made. So, many parents decided to return to conditional love.

Unfortunately, many parents reinstated the wrong kind of conditional love. Perhaps because of the economic uncertainty in recent decades, parents decided to direct their conditional love toward their children?s achievement activities, believing that this approach would motivate their children to work hard, become successful, and overcome the difficult economic times. Parents began to make their love conditional on how their children performed in school. If Johnny got an A, his parents heaped love, attention, and gifts on him. When he received a D, they withdrew their love by expressing disappointment, hurt, embarrassment, or anger. As a result, children?s self-esteem became overly connected to their achievement efforts. This conditional love caused achievement to become threatening to children because success and failure was too intimately linked with whether their parents would love them.

At the same time, parents maintained their unconditional love for their children?s behavior. Parents gave their children unfettered freedom, few responsibilities, didn?t hold them accountable for their actions, provided no consequences, and continued to love them not matter how they? behaved ? as long as they did well in school, it didn?t matter if the children were spoiled brats!

Getting Conditional Love Right

Parents must reverse their use of unconditional and conditional love. You need to give your children unconditional love for their achievements so that they will be free from the fear that you will not love them if they fail to meet your expectations. This unconditional love will liberate your children from the specter of lost love and encourage them to give their best effort and achieve the highest level of which they are capable.

At the same time, you can encourage your children?s achievement efforts by using conditional love for the values and attributes that will help them succeed, for example, in school, sports, and the performing arts. When you use conditional love to instill essential qualities, such hard work, discipline, patience, persistence, and perseverance, you then give them the tools to achieve their goals.

Similarly, you should make your love conditional on whether your children behave like decent human beings, namely, they act on healthy values such as honesty, kindness, respect, and responsibility. If your children behave poorly, they know that you will withdraw your love?at least temporarily. If they behave well, they know that you will give your love. In time, your children will learn to internalize this healthy conditional love and it will guide them in acting in ethical ways.