Dr. Jim Taylor’s blog

Like many wired people, you probably take great pride in being a multitasker. You talk on your mobile phone, send e-mail, check the stock market online, and perhaps even read a letter and jot down notes for an upcoming meeting all at the same time (or so you think). Why do you multitask? Well, how else can you accomplish everything you need to get done (and still have time for a life!)? You believe you are the epitome of productivity and efficiency, getting so much done all at once.

There’s one problem with this scenario: there is no such thing as multitasking — at least not the way you may think of it. The fact is that multitasking, as most people understand it, is a myth that has been promulgated by the “technological-industrial complex” to make overly scheduled and stressed-out people feel productive and efficient.

To read the rest of my post, visit here.

No, I?m not talking about the U.S. Open Tennis Championships being held in New York recently. I?m talking about the invasion of Web site real estate by all manner of ads. Have you looked at your most frequently visited Web sites lately, I mean really looked at them. Go back to a few and take a really careful look. What do you see? That?s right, you may not have noticed it before because you?ve become so inured to them, but you may actually see more ads than content on any given Web page.

In researching this post, I have learned far more than I cared to about the ways in which on-line advertisers try to entice us into giving them that little bit of ?click love? that they so crave. Sex, money, outlandish claims, irrelevant information, nothing is out of bounds when it comes to grabbing our attention and generating the almighty dollar (or Euro or Yen).

I also learned about all of the different types of Web ads and their evolution in sophistication. Banner and sidebar ads at the top of a Web site? Gosh, I don?t even notice them anymore. Those crafty Web advertisers need to do better than that to get my attention. And they sure try. Remember pop-up ads? Boy, were those dinosaurs a nuisance. But no longer thanks to those clever pop-up blockers (though those pesky Netflix ads still seem to get through).

How about those before-you-even-get-to-the-home-page ads that you must ?Skip This Ad? to even get to what you want to see. Those are beyond irritating. Now we?re getting into Web ad territory that really gets my knickers in an uproar (haven?t used that one in a few decades). Have you ever arrived at a Web page excited to read something of interest and, just as you?re about to start reading, a pull-down banner ad blocks your view? Aarrgghh! These days, you can?t move your mouse very far on the screen without some infuriating little pop-up window appearing. What do you think of interstitials? Uh?, you ask. These are the ads that appear when you transition from one page of a site to the next, forcing you to wait it out or suffer the indignity of having to click again just to get the page you wanted in the first place. I find roll-overs, those ads that look like links, but have a double underline and cause a small window to pop up when you roll over it, especially annoying. Scrolling on sites with roll-overs is like playing an obstacle-course video game trying to avoid the booby traps as you move down the page. Then there are floating ads that move across the screen and follow your scrolling movements. And unicast ads bombard us with video and sound without prompting and require effort to find the ad and turn off the darned thing off.

I accept that Web sites need to be financially self-sustaining. And Web ads allow us to access a vast universe of information and services free of charge. I can live with many Web ads; I just ignore them. My basic philosophy is that if they don?t bother me (too much), I won?t bother them. But I get really steamed when Web ads infringe on my ability to accomplish what I want on a Web site, namely, view content. When Web ads waste my time and distract me from my purpose, then they have gone too far. That?s when I stand with Howard Beale, the fictional newscaster in the film Network who, on the brink of insanity, declares, ?I?m mad as Hell and I?m not going to take this anymore.?

Has that line been crossed from necessary evil to unacceptable intrusion? Should these ads be labeled for what I think they are: spam and an unwelcome and inappropriate infringement on my Web-viewing experience? Should we be able to opt out of Web ads? We don?t boycott TV, radio, or magazines because we are in inundated with commercials and ads. We?ve just come to accept them as a part of television (though commercial-free HBO sure is a joy to watch). In fact, advertising on TV has become another form of viewing entertainment, for example, the commercials seen during the Super Bowl. Should Web advertising be any different?

And prepare yourself, this is just the beginning. Web advertising, only about a dozen or so years old now, is still in its infancy. There are some very smart people out there looking for new and more intrusive ways to get our attention and lure us into clicking on their ads. So do we accept them as we do on TV, radio, and magazines? Or do we demand legislation that gives us the power to opt out? My sense is that, at least for the foreseeable future, we?ll just have to suck it up. I don?t see Web ads going away any time soon, so if we want the wheat, we?ll have to accept the chaff, at least until other smart people find ways to block more of the irritating little intruders.

You read a lot lately about how busy we Americans are. That we don?t have time to do anything important, like paying the bills, spending time with family and friends, and taking care of our health. But I think much of America has the opposite problem; we seem to have too much time on our hands. How does most of America spend its leisure time these days? Not volunteering or bettering ourselves physically, intellectually, or spiritually. Rather, most of America seems to immerse itself in popular culture: watching television, movies, and DVDs, playing videogames, listening to music, surfing the Internet, and reading women?s or men?s magazines.

Don?t get me wrong. I?m not totally against popular culture. It can be a wonderful source of entertainment and escapism. And who am I to judge whether Fellini is better than Aptow or Beethoven is better than Jay-Z. But when so much of America is spending so much time in that contrived world, I get worried and ask: Why do we devote so much time and energy to something that is unquestionably irrelevant to our lives?

This obsession with the trivial is most evident in America?s preoccupation with celebrity. Why do so many of us care so much about people who have so little impact on our lives, namely, movie, television, and music stars, professional athletes, and others who are simply famous for being famous? So what if Angelina and Brad are a couple? What is it with our fixation with Jon and Kate Gosselin? And Kim Kardashian (I ask with absolute incredulity)? Of course, America has always had a perverse fascination with the rich and famous. There have always been gossip columns and tabloids. We have always discussed celebrity happenings around the water cooler at the office. But this obsession with people who have absolutely no effect on our lives has gotten out of hand. Sales of supermarket checkout-line staples, such as People and US Weekly, are up dramatically in recent years. Who?s too fat, who?s too thin, who?s divorcing or sleeping with whom? These have become burning questions to a large segment of America. The television networks and the cable news channels devote entire shows to celebrity comings and goings. And the information age has made this mania even worse. Web sites and blogs provide instant access to celebrity dirt and more opportunities to express our own views about said dirt. We now have an almost limitless universe in which we can dedicate our time and energy to people who affect our lives not one iota.

Why such devotion to something so unimportant in our lives? Some have suggested boredom, to stay in the know, or the vicarious thrill of sharing the exciting lives of celebrities. But I think there is something far more troubling going on here. We appear to be trying to escape from something and are searching for something else.

There?s plenty to escape from these days. The specter of September 11^th continues to cause fear about our safety and our futures. The recent economic crisis and the ongoing instability creates doubt and worry. The widening gap between the haves and the have-nots makes many feel irrelevant and inconsequential. Seemingly endless wars in which thousands of Americans have died and inhuman abuses have occurred has weakened our moral certitude. And a toxic political system that is fueled by 24-hour news and talk radio has made many of us cynical and discouraged. How else to cope with such an inhospitable landscape than by distracting our concerns and drowning our angst in the fascinating lives of celebrities.

We?re searching for two things that have become casualties of America?s progress and prosperity. We?re looking for meaning when life for many seems to be devoid of significance.? We once found meaning by creating stable lives for our families and working to make life better for our children, but such security and opportunity are less likely now than at any time in our recent past. Meaning came from believing that America was united in its values and its vision for the future. But the political divisiveness and acrimony that have infected our country have led to mistrust and pessimism. Meaning came from hope for a better world, but many now ask: Where is the hope?

We?re also searching for connectedness when Americans, despite the unprecedented degree of technological connection, have never been more isolated. Connectedness came from being a part of a larger family called America, yet many of us have never felt so alienated. Where there were once connected communities of families, neighborhoods, and schools, there are now cloistered suburbs and exurbs of disengaged families who are adrift in a sea of people. As we immerse ourselves in the make-believe world of celebrity, we become even more disconnected from our own lives, and this immersion, rather than nourishing the soul, acts only to anesthetize our pain. As this distance grows, we move away from our most basic needs: to feel valued and supported, to feel safe, to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, to have hope for a better future.

So what do we do? I think it?s safe to say that our culture isn?t going to help us to make changes. Ultimately, our culture doesn?t care about us, only about making money and accumulating power. Instead, it is up to each of us individually to decide that a different road is necessary if we wish to find what we seek.

We must start by regaining perspective on the role that popular culture plays in our lives. Our worship of popular culture has caused many in America to search for meaning and connectedness in all the wrong places. The only place to find real meaning is by immersing ourselves in our own lives and the people and activities that actually mean something to us, rather than turning to the contrived?and ultimately unsatisfying?meaning that popular culture tries to sell us. We need to rediscover connectedness with real people instead of accepting the virtual connections that are readily available with modern technology. But for this to happen, we must first admit how truly unimportant popular culture is, reject its allure, and recommit our time and energy to the search for real meaning and connectedness.

I can tell you this: It?s a jungle out there. I don?t mean the real world in which most of us inhabit; that world is pretty tame. I?m talking about the blogosphere. I?ve been blogging for about eight months now and, up until recently, it was a pretty unexciting experience. I would post a?post (I still haven?t figured out how to use post when it is both a noun and verb, but that?s another discussion) and receive responses that were thoughtful and reasoned.

Then a few weeks ago, I published a post both complimentary and critical of Steve Jobs and the iPhone on a prominent computer-technology Web site for which I write a blog as the Tech Shrink. When I first logged on after the posting, I noticed that the number of views was much higher than usual as were the number of comments. I then went to the comments and was totally unprepared for what I read.

Now I understand that blogs are mostly opinion pieces and not everyone is going to agree with me. I also acknowledge the risks of expressing one?s opinions on topics that are both controversial and for which people hold very strong views; my post qualified on both counts. But, as I read through the comments, I felt like I was thrown into the jungle among a pack of ravenous beasts, so ferocious were the invectives that were flung at me.

Yes, the majority ? but not all, thankfully ? of the comments disagreed with me. I?m fine with that. I?m not the final arbiter of what is right or wrong on any given topic. And some of the comments offered some intelligent perspectives and information that were both enlightening and softened my stance on the topic. But to say that most of the comments were unkind is to say that Yao Ming is pretty tall or Megan Fox is reasonably attractive.

To give you a flavor of the comments, I was called a clown, narcissistic, a nobody, envious, a hater, a fascist, a moron, and ignorant. And that was just the first dozen or so posts. In preparing to write this piece, I just couldn?t bring myself to continue reading the remainder of the posts to catalog the rest of the less-than-complimentary descriptions of me.

Even though I?m pretty thick skinned, I have to admit that I was pretty shaken by the comments, in both volume and tone, because they were, for the most part, personal, inaccurate, and just plain mean. No doubt I touched a nerve on a topic of some debate with people who have a cult-like devotion to the subject. Why people get so worked up about a mobile phone is beyond me (though I?m glad they do because otherwise no one would read my blog!); it?s just a thing, yet it obviously represents much more to many people.

Thankfully, shortly after my posting, I read an appropriately-timed commentary on blogging in the New York Times by the columnist Maureen Dowd, a much-better-known and decidedly more controversial figure than I will ever be. The column began: ?If I read all the vile stuff about me on the Internet, I?d never come to work. I?d scamper off and live my dream of being a cocktail waitress in a militia bar in Wyoming.? Though my dream is a bit different from hers, my feelings were the same.

After my painful rite of passage into the blogosphere jungle, I began to think about the psychology involved in this ?Wild West? of a technological frontier. As I?m not planning to stop blogging, I thought I would share some observations I?ve made about life in the blogosphere. The blogosphere has opened a seemingly infinite universe for exchanging and debating ideas. Blogging has given voice to many people with important things to say, but who didn?t have the soapbox on which to express themselves. Of course, blogging has also given a platform to narcissistic, attention-getting rants by people who think they have something of value to say, but really don?t (present company possibly included).

Because bloggers and their readers seem to have stronger and more polarized opinions than the general population, these exchanges tend to be little more than volleys of mutual assault aimed at not only proving the other person obviously, entirely, and undoubtedly wrong ? and stupid and ugly and fat to boot! ? rather than exchanges of mutual respect and interest in hearing other perspectives.

Also, without patting myself on the back too much, I have to say that blogging takes courage. Before the birth of the blogosphere, most people with an opinion on a topic could share with it with a few friends at most and have disagreements of varying intensity. Today bloggers open themselves up to potentially millions (though more typically tens, hundreds, or thousands) of supporters or critics. I have a new-found respect for bloggers who address topics of real sensitivity such as politics, sexuality, or religion.

You also can?t get away with anything in the blogosphere. There are just too many well-informed people out there who are perfectly willing to set the record straight. Of course, there are also an equal or greater number of ignoramuses willing to tell us what they think, the facts be damned. You have to not only have all of your facts straight, but you better also have good spelling and good grammar. Nothing in a blog post is too trivial to be dissected, judged, and ripped to shreds.

The vitriolic commenters, who are clearly not residing solely on my blog, obviously believe fervently in their points of view and find opposing opinions so repugnant that they have to attack the messenger rather than respond to the points of disagreement. What the commenters don?t apparently realize is that, by attacking the blogger, they are weakening their own positions. I?ve always found that when people get personal in an argument, they likely either don?t have a strong position on the issue or they can?t articulate it well. Certainly, vicious and childish rants don?t reflect well on the attacker and don?t present well to others, whether toward a spouse, a business colleague, or the blogosphere.

One unfair aspect of blogging is that, while most bloggers are out in the open and, as a result, easy targets, many Web sites allow commenters to be anonymous and that anonymity gives them cover from responsibility and license to say whatever they want in the harshest possible terms. Yes, many Web sites require registration (and many do not), but identity, besides some attempt at a clever username, is still not evident on the blogs where the attacks occur and, based on my experience, rarely have had repercussions. Hopefully, a recent court case brought and won by a woman against an anonymous blogger for her relentless and malicious personal attacks will force some degree of accountability on anonymous bloggers or commenters. Here?s a rule that I think bloggers and commenters alike should follow: If you wouldn?t say it to someone?s face or in front of your grandmother, don?t say it on a blog.

These heated reactions certainly say something interesting about self-esteem, beliefs, and emotions. It has been my professional experience that such stridently emotional reactions occur in the face of an extreme threat to one?s world view and, by extension, one?s self-esteem. In other words, when these commenters read something that challenges their perceptions on an issue in which they are highly invested, for example, the iPhone was not sent by God and Steve Jobs is not the messiah, their primitive survival mechanism is triggered and they do what prehistoric cavemen did when they felt threatened, they attacked. Of course, opinions or facts shouldn?t be as menacing as spears or saber-toothed tigers, yet they seem to provoke the same kind of powerful emotional reaction.

One could argue that the blogosphere is self correcting, that is, supporters will confront the attackers and defend the blogger and the kharmic balance in the blogosphere will be restored. And, thankfully, this happened to a very small degree with my recent post. Unfortunately, it seems that people are more likely to respond to a controversial blog post that challenges rather than buttresses their own views, so my gallant defenders were few and readily overwhelmed by the marauding onslaught.

With this critique of blog comments, you?d think I would want comments moderated or have them disabled completely, but I don?t. My feeling is that, to use an old clich?, ?if you can?t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.? So, instead of running away from it, to quote Axl Rose of Guns N? Roses,? I say, ?Welcome to the Jungle.?

Negative thinking that hurts confidence can become a bad habit. Bad confidence habits are just like bad technical habits; the more you practice them, the more ingrained they become and the better you get at being negative. And that negativity is what will come out in competition. Also like a bad technical habit, negative thinking can be retrained with awareness, control, and repetition. The goal is to engage in enough positive-thinking practice that a new mental habit of positive thinking becomes embedded in your mind and replaces the negative thinking. There are several mental strategies you can use to help yourself get that much-needed positive practice.

Athlete?s Litany

The Athlete?s Litany is a group of statements used to teach positive thinking and increase confidence. The litany retrains the bad habit of negativity into a good skill of positive thinking. As with any kind of habit, the only way to correct negative thinking is to practice being positive over and over and over again. The litany is like a practice drill in which you?re focusing on learning good technical skills. The litany provides the necessary repetition to instill positive thinking skills. Here?s an example of a litany that I use with athletes:

• I love to train and compete.
• I am committed to giving my best effort in everything I do.
• I think and talk positively.
• I give 100% focus and intensity when I practice and compete.
• If I focus on performing my best rather than on winning or losing, I will succeed.

A comment I often get from athletes when they start using the litany is that they don?t believe what they?re saying. This is just like the practice drill in which you?re trying to make a technical correction. In a sense, their muscles don?t ?believe? the new skill either. With sufficient repetition, though, the new skill is learned and their muscles come to ?believe? it. The same holds true for the positive self-statements. By repeating the litany enough times, you will start believing it. Just like the improved technique, when you get into a competitive situation, the new skill of positive thinking will emerge and it will improve your performances.

The important thing about the Athlete?s Litany is not only to say it, but to say it like you mean it. For example, I could say ?I love to train and compete,?? but I may not sound very convincing. If I say it like I mean it, with energy and enthusiasm, then I?m more likely to start believing what I?m saying. Saying the litany with conviction also generates positive emotions and physical feelings that will reinforce its positive message.

A great thing about the Athlete?s Litany is that you can personalize it to your needs. Create your own litany of positive self-statements that means something to you. Then, say the litany out loud every morning and every night. Also, say the litany before you train and compete.

Keywords

Another useful way to develop your confidence is to use keywords which remind you to be positive and confident. Make a list of words or phrases that make you feel positive and good, for example, believe, positive, strive, or yes I can. Then, write them on your equipment where they?re visible during practice and competitions. Also, put keywords in noticeable places where you live such as in your bedroom, on your refrigerator door, or in your locker. When you look at a keyword, say it to yourself. Just like the Athlete?s Litany, every time you see it, it will sink in further until you truly believe it.

Use Negative Thinking Positively

Even though I very much emphasize being positive at all times, the fact is, you can?t always be. You don?t always perform as well as you want and there is going to be some negative thinking. This awareness was brought home to me by a group of highly-ranked junior athletes I worked with not long ago. During a training camp, I was constantly emphasizing being positive and not being negative. One night at dinner, several of the athletes came up to me and said that sometimes things do just stink and you can?t be positive. I realized that some negative thinking is normal when you don?t perform well and some negative thinking is healthy. It means you care about performing poorly and want to do better. Negative thinking can be motivating as well because it?s no fun to perform poorly and lose. I got to thinking about how athletes could use negative thinking in a positive way. I came up with an important distinction that will determine whether negative thinking helps or hurts how you perform.

There are two types of negative thinking: give-up negative thinking and fire-up negative thinking. Give-up negative thinking involves feelings of loss and despair and helplessness, for example, ?It?s over. I can?t win this.? You dwell on past mistakes and failures. It lowers your motivation and confidence, and it takes your focus away from performing your best. Your intensity also drops because basically you?re surrendering and accepting defeat. There is never a place in sports for give-up negative thinking.

In contrast, fire-up negative thinking involves feelings of anger and energy, of being psyched up, for example, ?I?m doing so badly. I hate performing this way? (said with anger and intensity). You look to doing better in the future because you hate performing poorly. Fire-up negative thinking increases your motivation to fight and turn things around. Your physical intensity goes up and you?re bursting with energy. Your focus is on being aggressive and defeating your opponent.

Fire-up negative thinking can be a positive way to turn your performance around. if you?re going to be negative, make sure you use fire-up negative thinking. But don?t use it too much. Negative thinking and negative emotions require a lot of energy and that energy should be put in a more positive direction for your training and competitions. Also, it doesn?t feel very good to be angry all of the time.

Confidence Challenge

The real test of confidence is how you respond when things are not going your way. I call this the Confidence Challenge. It?s easy to stay confident when you?re performing well, when the conditions are ideal, and when you?re competing against someone whom you?re better than. But an inevitable part of sports is that you?ll have some down periods. What separates the best from the rest is that the best athletes are able to maintain their confidence when they?re not at the top of their games. By staying confident, they continue to work hard rather than give up because they know that, in time, their performance will come around.

Most athletes when they perform poorly lose their confidence and get caught in the vicious cycle of low confidence and performance. Once they slip into that downward spiral, they rarely can get out of it. In contrast, athletes with real confidence maintain their confidence and seek out ways to return to their previous level. All athletes will go through periods where they don?t perform well. The challenge is not getting caught in the vicious cycle and being able to get out of the down periods quickly.

The Confidence Challenge can be thought of as a skill that can be developed. Learning to respond positively to the Confidence Challenge comes from exposing yourself to demanding situations, difficult conditions, and tough opponents in training and competition and practicing positive responses.

There are several key aspects of mastering the Confidence Challenge. First, you need to develop the attitude that demanding situations are challenges to be sought out rather than threats to be avoided. When you?re faced with a Confidence Challenge you must see it as an opportunity to become a better athlete. You also need to believe that experiencing challenges is a necessary part of becoming the best athlete you can be. You have to realize that, at first, these challenges are going to be uncomfortable because they are difficult and unfamiliar, but, in time, you will gain familiarity and comfort with them.

Here are some simple rules to follow to meet the Confidence Challenge:

• Seek out every possible challenge in training and competition.
• Be well-prepared to meet the challenges.
• Stay positive and motivated in the face of the difficulties.
• Focus on what you need to do to overcome the challenges.
• Accept that you?ll make mistakes and may not fully succeed when faced with a challenge.
• See challenges as experiences you can learn from to improve in the future.
• Never, ever give up!

Please be prepared. I?m going to go on a bit of rant now. I just can?t hold it in any longer. I see parents doing this constantly and it?s killing me because they know not what they do and they are actually hurting their children?s development.

What am I referring to? It?s praise, that?s what I?m talking about. Now I know what you?re thinking: ?What? Praise is bad? I can?t praise my children? This I have to hear.?

Okay, here goes. What is the most common praise you hear parents (and teachers and coaches) giving kids at home, on the playground, in class, and on the sports fields? ?Good job!? ?Good job? (and other variants such as ?Way to go,? ?Nice job,? and ?That?s great?) have become knee-jerk reactions from parents whenever their kids do something worthy of acknowledgment. If I had a dollar for every time I hear that, I would be a rich man today.

What?s the problem with ?Good job?? Well, it?s lazy praise, it?s worthless praise, it?s harmful praise. It has no value to children, yet parents have been brainwashed into thinking that it will build their children?s self-esteem. Plus, it?s the expedient thing to say.

Let?s start with the purpose of praise: to encourage children to continue to engage in positive behaviors that produce positive outcomes. Now you can start to see the problems with ?good job!? First, it lacks specificity. It doesn?t tell children what precisely they did well and without that information they can?t know exactly what they should do in the future to get the same outcome. Second, ?good job!? focuses on the outcome rather than the process. If you?re going to be lazy with your praise, at least say, ?Good effort!? because it focuses them on what they did to do a good job.

Unfortunately, many parents have been misguided by the ?self-esteem movement,? which has told them that the way to build their children?s self-esteem is to tell them how good they are at things. Unfortunately, trying to convince your children of their competence will likely fail because life has a way of telling them unequivocally how capable or incapable they really are through success and failure.

The reality is that children don?t need to be told ?good job!? when they have done something well; it?s self-evident. They do need to be told why they did well so they can replicate that behavior in the future to get the same positive outcome.

Research has shown that how you praise your children has a powerful influence on their development. The Columbia University researchers Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck found that children who were praised for their intelligence, as compared to their effort, became overly focused on results. Following a failure, these same children persisted less, showed less enjoyment, attributed their failure to a lack of ability (which they believed they could not change), and performed poorly in future achievement efforts. Says Dweck: ?Praising children for intelligence makes them fear difficulty because they begin to equate failure with stupidity.?

Too much praise of any sort can also be unhealthy. Research has found that students who were lavished with praise were more cautious in their responses to questions, had less confidence in their answers, were less persistent in difficult assignments, and less willing to share their ideas.

Children develop a sense of competence by seeing the consequences of their actions, not by being told about the consequences of their actions. The researchers Mueller and Dweck found that children who were praised for their effort showed more interest in learning, demonstrated greater persistence and more enjoyment, attributed their failure to lack of effort (which they believed they could change), and performed well in subsequent achievement activities. Rewarding effort also encouraged them to work harder and to seek new challenges. Adds the Clark University researcher Wendy Grolnick: ?Parental encouragement of learning strategies helps children build a sense of personal responsibility for?and control over?their academic careers.?

Based on these findings, you should avoid praising your children about areas over which they have no control. This includes any innate and unalterable ability such as intelligence, physical attractiveness, or athletic or artistic gifts. You should direct your praise to areas over which your children have control?effort, attitude, responsibility, commitment, discipline, focus, decision making, compassion, generosity, respect, love, the list goes on. You should look at why exactly your children did something well and specifically praise those areas. For example, ?You worked so hard preparing for this test,? ?You were so focused during the entire chess match,? and ?You were so generous for sharing with your sister.?

Particularly with young children, you don?t need to praise them at all. The best thing you can do is simply highlight what they did. For example, if your toddler just climbed a playground ladder for the first time, just say, ?You climbed that ladder by yourself.? Their smile of pride will tell you that they got the message you wanted them to get, namely, ?I did it!? Nothing more needs to be said.

As another alternative to praise, just ask your children questions. You can find out what your children thought and felt about their achievement, for example, ?What did you enjoy most about your performance?? and ?How do you feel about what you just did?? Allow your children to decide for themselves how they feel about their accomplishments, enable them to reward themselves for their own good actions, and encourage them to internalize what they observed about their own achievement efforts.

Or really go out on a limb and don?t say anything at all to your children. As I just mentioned, kids know when they do well. By letting them come to this realization on their own, they learn to reinforce themselves and they don?t become praise junkies dependent on you for how they feel about their efforts and accomplishments.

Here is my challenge to you. First, next time you?re at the playground or a youth sports competition, take note of what parents say to their children. I?ll bet you hear ?Good job!? (or some variation) constantly. Next, monitor what you say to your children in the same situations. Then, erase ?Good job!? from your vocabulary. We?ve already established how useless it is. Finally, start to praise your children in the healthy ways I just described. When you have broken yourself of the ?Good job!? habit, you can then pat yourself on the back and tell yourself, ?Good job!?

With the challenges we all now face in the global economy, many people feel pressure to work harder and put in longer hours at work. That commitment may enable them to keep their jobs or maintain a certain lifestyles, but at what cost? In my consulting practice, I have seen a rise in stress levels, unhappiness, and family conflict among businesspeople with whom I work. Clearly, the lives of many businesspeople are out of balance.

While all businesspeople have to do what is necessary to survive this economic crisis, a short-term focus can take a toll that isn?t beneficial in the long run. The ability to maintain some semblance of work/life balance is essential for both immediate functioning and long-term health and well-being.

What is Balance?

I think of work/life balance as being like a healthful and delicious meal. To create such a meal you must have the right combination of ingredients in just the right amounts. I believe there are six essential ingredients in work/life balance: personal, physical, professional, social, spiritual, and avocational. Which of these ingredients and their quantities you need is up to you. But if one or more of the ingredients that are important to you aren?t present in your life, your life can?t be balanced.

Understanding Imbalance

Imbalance occurs when you have too many or too few ingredients, or the wrong combination of ingredients, in your life. The causes of work/life imbalance can include work demands, neglect of your other needs, a busy life, lack of awareness, success, and loss of perspective.

The consequences of imbalance can be dramatic and impact every area of your life. You can experience psychological and physical stress, a decline in work performance, ill health, family discord, life dissatisfaction, and even ?Crackberry? addiction (an overdependence on your smartphone). The symptoms should also warning signs to you. If you?re experiencing these reactions, a red flag should be alerting you to step back and take a look at what?s happening to your life.

A variety of conflicts can arise in your life due to work/life imbalance. You may experience guilt for not spending enough time with your family. You may also feel an opposing guilt of not devoting enough time to work. You may miss participating in personal and social activities that are important to you. And your relationships with your family and friends may suffer.

Perspective on Balance

Before you can begin to take active steps to create more work/life balance, it?s important to gain a broader perspective on the role that it plays in your life. Balance isn?t really the goal here. The ultimate goal is well-being, which I define as coming from physical health, healthy relationships, rewarding work, and meaning and happiness in your life. Balance plays perhaps the central role in well-being because, without balance, all of the other contributors to well-being are jeopardized.

You have two goals in striving for work/life balance. First, you must recognize that absolute balance may simply not be possible at the present time. The realities of the current economic situation may require imbalance in your life to maintain your professional position. With that in mind, your immediate goal is to find balance in the imbalance. In other words, seek out small morsels of balance in your necessarily imbalanced life. This could mean a run at 4 am or reading the newspaper for 20 minutes at lunch, or having a meal with your family in the evening. The key is to do something of personal meaning to you every day, for however short a time it might be. This brief nourishment of the soul goes a long way to maintaining a modicum of balance in an otherwise imbalanced life.

Second, strive for true balance over time. Look into the future and ask yourself what you need to do to find that deep and lasting balance in a few months or a few years. Perhaps you will choose to sacrifice short-term balance for long-term equilibrium. Or you may decide that life isn?t worth waiting for and assert balance into your current life. In either case, make a deliberate decision about balance in your life rather than just being swept away by the torrent of life.

A final thought to put balance in perspective. Time is the most important resource you have because it is nonrenewable. The clock is ticking equally fast for all of us and it can?t be stopped or turned back. Because time is such a valuable commodity, it should be spent wisely. You should spend your time doing those things that you value most. As a result, time deserves your careful consideration. Because, as the saying goes, ?On your deathbed, you?re not going to wish you spent more time at the office.?

Foundation of Balance

The first step in moving toward greater balance in your life is to define balance for yourself. What ingredients do you value most? Which ingredients are currently too overpowering and which are not even in the mix? Then, what is reasonable balance for you at the present time? How much time and energy can you realistically devote to each part of your life? Next, evaluate where you are now and where you want to be so you can see clearly how far you have to go and what you need to do to get there.

If you have a spouse or family, the process of creating work/life balance must be inclusive because there are more needs that must be considered than your own. The key is for everyone involved to communicate their needs, be mutually respectful and understanding, and to come to an arrangement that best meets everyone?s needs (while recognizing that compromises will likely need to be made).

Process of Creating Balance

To conclude, the process of creating balance in your life involves the following:

• Understand what balance really is.
• Explore balance in your life.
• Make balance a value and priority.
• Communicate.
• Make deliberate decisions about balance in your life.
• Take action.
• Persist.
• Be flexible.

In the November issue of Prime Business Alert! I?ll discuss practical strategies you can use in your work and personal lives to create more work/life balance. Until then, don?t fall off life.