Dr. Jim Taylor's blog

Over the last several weeks, considerable attention and discussion has been directed toward whether Michael Vick, the former NFL quarterback and convicted felon (he served two years for a conviction related to dog fighting) should be allowed to return to the NFL. He has been conditionally reinstated, so his return seems inevitable. Though protests are likely wherever he signs, NFL team owners care mostly about media attention and revenue, and it’s likely that Vick will bring both to whoever signs him.

There are several schools of thought on deciding whether Vick should be allowed to return to the NFL. I’d like to share with you those perspectives and then it’s up to you to decide for yourself.

The first view is that he is no different than any other convicted felon who paid his debt to society. Like others, he deserves and has a right to a second chance which includes gainful employment. He is certainly different than an ex-convict with no education or job skills who would struggle to find a job, but no different than one who with an MBA. In all cases, if they can find work, they have a right to it.

My initial reaction is one of support for this point of view. Our criminal justice system is based on paying that debt to society and the ability to return to society and he should not be exempted from that system simply because of his abilities or celebrity.

Another interesting point is that professional sports have a very forgiving attitude toward athletes convicted of crimes. Just about all of the professional sports leagues have players who have been convicted of vehicular manslaughter, spousal abuse, drunk driving, and drug-related crimes. Why such forgiveness? Certainly not because they see the goodness in all people. Instead, it’s simple economics; if a player can sell tickets, they will be given the opportunity to play.

An important question is whether Vick’s crime elevates him sufficiently above the laws of the land to the higher-placed morals of the lands. Certainly, if he had been convicted of crimes related to child pornography or rape, the chances are Vick would be too radioactive for even the NFL (though Mike Tyson’s rape conviction didn’t prevent promoters from allowing him to continue to fight and use his celebrity to earn a living). Dog fighting seems to approach that level of depravity given that dogs are beloved by Americans, usually seen as cute and cuddly, and are generally victims at the mercy of their owners (though one might argue that pit bulls and other fighting dogs don’t quite fit into that category). Apparently though, dog fighting doesn’t quite reach the level of immorality to override Vick’s economic benefits to the NFL.

Another perspective doesn’t quite buy into the legalistic view of Vick. Professional athletes, as well as other celebrities, play a rather unique role in our society, namely, as role models for children. This view holds that kids who look up to these athletes would be getting the wrong message-I can do awful things and even suffer some consequences, but then I go back to being rich and famous. So just meeting the legal standard of our criminal-justice system is insufficient from this perspective. I have to admit that I also support this perspective. It just kills me to see “fallen” professional athletes being viewed as heroes for speaking to young people about the evils of whatever their transgression was. The idea behind this kind of role modeling seems to be quite reasonable; young people learn the magnitude of the athletes’ crimes and the remorse the athletes feel, thus encouraging the audience to never want to fall prey to such temptation. My problem is the deeper message here, as I mentioned above, you can do a lot of bad stuff and still be rich and famous. How often do you see professional athletes who are actually paragons of virtue talking to young people about staying out of trouble? Rarely! Gosh, kids probably wouldn’t listen because the truly model athletes have no “street cred.”

Speaking of remorse, my final concern with Vick is whether he is truly sorry for what he did or if he’s just sorry that he got caught. He is certainly making amends by speaking out on behalf of PETA and animal safety. But I can’t shake the feeling that it is simply part of a well-orchestrated PR campaign and he’s just playing the “I’m sorry and I learned my lesson” game to get back in the game. Though people can certainly learn l from making mistakes, I can’t let go of the feeling that if he understood that what he did was wrong, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. And, given the recidivism of other professional athletes, I’m not convinced that he isn’t still an immature, entitled, and spoiled man who will never get it.

With all that said, I will conclude by standing by my initial belief that our system allows second chances and that Michael Vick should be no exception. However, I assert this position with some reservation based on the other views I just offered. I will also hold final judgment until some time has passed and we see whether Vick is truly a changed man.

The smartphone has become a ubiquitous status symbol of and tool for businesspeople doing business. In offices, on the streets, and in airports, what self-respecting businessperson doesn’t have their smartphone, whether a Blackberry, Windows Mobile device, Palm, or iPhone, at the ready to make the deal, provide support, change the plan, or just stay up to date on their company’s latest developments at a moment’s notice. The smartphone’s ability to provide businesspeople with instant access to others through email, text messaging, and phone has, in theory, saved time and made the business world run more smoothly by keeping everyone in a company connected all day every day. It can truly be a tool for increased communication, efficiency, and productivity.

The Unintended Consequences of Smartphones

Unfortunately, the smartphone also represents a corporate culture gone mad, in which everyone feels they are so needed that they simply can’t be out of touch with work lest the company collapses without their constant input and output. The smartphone has, falling prey to the theory of unintended consequences, become a weapon against businesspeople that actually hurts corporate discipline, focus, and productivity.

It has also created an upheaval in the already fragile balance between work and life. This state of constant connectedness has blurred (or obliterated) the lines between work and life, creating marital and family conflict, and destroying any hope of peace and quiet when away from the office. Perhaps the last refuge on Earth from the imposition of the smartphone may be the airplane, though that final line of defense against the smartphone onslaught will surely fall in the next few years.

Who’s In Charge Here?

So who’s in charge here? Are you master of your smartphone or does your smartphone own you? Here are a few ways to tell:

• Do you take your smartphone with you wherever you go?
• Is your smartphone the last thing you look at before you go to sleep and the first thing you look at when you wake up?
• Do you make or take business calls regularly when away from work?
• Do your family or friends give you exasperated looks when you pull out your smartphone constantly?

If you answered “yes” to these questions, you smartphone runs your life.

Yearning For Freedom

Despite the attachment that you have to your smartphone, there is likely a part of you deep inside that resents the power that it has over you. You may feel a subtle, yet delicious, sense of relief when you “accidently” leave it at work or have guilt-laden fantasies of dropping and breaking your smartphone-by accident, of course-requiring you to be without it for a few days while it is fixed or replaced.

If you feel this way, you need to stand up to your smartphone-”I will not let you control my life!”-and choose to reject its captive power over you.

Smartphone Rules to Live By

Despite the obvious tongue-in-cheek tone so far, this unhealthy relationship with your smartphone has real consequences both at work and at home. And there are some tangible things that you can do to break the grip that your smartphone has on you. Here are five simple rules you can follow to help you regain control of your smartphone so it is once again a tool of efficiency and productivity rather than a weapon against your freedom and mental health.

Rule #1: Don’t look at your smartphone in the morning until you get to work. Peeking at your email or phone messages before you have dressed or had breakfast will create unnecessary distraction, worry, and stress. If you’re married with children, it will also prevent you from being engaged with your family during breakfast. In fact, don’t even look at your smartphone during the drive to work; again, it would serve no purpose as you can’t-or, at least, you shouldn’t-be thumb typing during your commute (unless you’re on a train or bus and you can respond to your phone and email messages).

Rule #2: Don’t look at your smartphone during the day unless you are ready to act on it. It’s not uncommon for businesspeople to look at their smartphones as they head into a meeting or just before a conference call. The primary consequence of doing this is that you will be distracted from your next task. You will be thinking about what you found on your smartphone instead of focusing on the task ahead.

Rule #3: Turn off all smartphones during meetings. In fact, every company should have a “no smartphone” rule for all meetings. There are few things more irritating, distracting, and productivity-killing than having people at a meeting looking at and typing into their smartphones. They are clearly not paying attention to the meeting and, therefore, unable to contribute in any meaningful way. It also distracts others at the meeting. It wastes time and prolongs meetings because no one is focusing on the agenda. Quality and productivity suffer too? because the lack of full engagement means that effective problem solving and decision making will be nearly impossible.

Rule #4: Don’t check your smartphone less than 30 minutes before you go to bed. If there are calls or emails you think you must respond to you, you will get to bed later and you’ll get riled up, so you’ll have a harder time falling asleep. The reality is that, in most cases, they can wait until morning, so best not to look. At worst, choose a time between 30 and 60 minutes before bedtime when you take a last look at your smartphone. At best, commit to not checking your smartphone at all in the evening.

Rule #5: Don’t do your smartphone when you are doing life. In other words, don’t look at your smartphone if you are interacting with others, doing something that is supposed to clear your mind of work, such as exercise, meditation, having a meal, watching a movie, or hanging out with family or friends.. There is nothing more annoying to family and friends than to be with you when you are making business calls or responding to email-why are you even with them if you’re with them in body only? It’s okay to check your smartphone periodically, but ONLY IF you don’t interrupt more important life stuff and ONLY IF you are expecting something that you may have to act on quickly.

Letting Go

Your dependence on your smartphone is a habit that develops through repeated use. So you can think of separating from your smartphone as a habit as well; it takes commitment, discipline, and repetition to change. You will find that there are many upsides to regaining control of your smartphone. The people in your life will welcome you back from the smartphone precipice and actually want to be around you. You will be more relaxed, more engaged in life, have more fun, be a whole lot happier and, despite your great fondness for your smartphone, you will find much more interesting and enjoyable things to do with your time.

In his inaugural speech of 1933, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt addressed the nation as it was being consumed by what is now known as the Great Depression. One of his most memorable statements from that now-famous speech is, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” What you may not know though is the full context of that declaration: “So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself-nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”

FDR certainly had it right about that crisis. He realized that economic conditions-both bad and good-are influenced by the psychology of the times. FDR also knew that the psychology of panic that was overtaking our country during that economic crisis would prevent it from taking the action it needed to recover quickly.

The Next Great Depression?

Many people have called this economic crisis the next great depression. But, contrary to what FDR said, in today’s economic climate there appears to be more to fear than fear itself. What we know now is that the psychology of fear, negativity, and panic has spread like an epidemic across our country and around the world. We have witnessed a race out of the stock market, investors withdrawing money reflexively, knee-jerk reactions from politicians, and hasty and poorly thought out decision making by policy makers.

Economic Crisis as Laboratory

This extraordinary episode has presented us with a unique laboratory that offers us a rare opportunity to plumb the psychological depths of the crisis and gain real insight into the nature of crises and how we respond to them. From this remarkable Petri dish, we can find answers to some essential questions: what is our emotional reaction to crises?; what do we think about in a crisis?; how do we react in a crisis?; and, most importantly, what can we learn from this catastrophe to help us deal with the crises we will inevitably confront in the future?

A Crisis is a Crisis

I believe that a crisis is a crisis. We face crises of all sorts, of varying degrees of magnitude, every day in the form of challenges, obstacles, setbacks, and failures. Moreover, crises are a test of our psychological, emotional, and leadership capabilities. Crises tell us a lot about who we are because the best and the worst of us reveals itself most prominently during the stresses of a crisis. And, given the fact that crises are a normal part of our lives, the ability to overcome crises will certainly make us better performers, leaders, parents, and spouses.

Crisis Psychology

The typical human reaction to crisis is best known as the “fight-or-flight” response that has evolved in humans over millions of years with a singular purpose: to ensure our survival. The primitive humans who had this reaction had a better chance of survival and passed on those genes to future generations up to the present. This crisis mentality has three components: fear, negativity, and panic. Fear prepared us physiologically to fight or flee by increasing our strength and stamina, sharpening our senses, and reducing our perception of pain. Focusing on the negative dimensions of the crisis, namely, the immediate threat, ensured that we stayed vigilant to the most apparent dangers, allowing us to respond most quickly. Panic created instantaneous action, either frenetic resistance or rapid flight, that made survival more likely. This reaction was very effective back in primitive times because the threats back then were generally immediate and simple.

Unfortunately, survival is much more complex today. As a result, the crisis psychology of primitive times simply won’t work any longer. Fear paralyzes our ability to think clearly, solve problems, and make decisions. Negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And panic causes knee-jerk and ill-advised reactions.

Opportunity Psychology

To survive in the concrete, metal, and hard-wired jungle in which we now live, you need to develop what I call an opportunity psychology.. Instead of fear, you can experience emotional mastery, which isn’t the absence of fear, but rather the ability to confront the fear and act proactively and constructively despite it. It involves being able to manage negative emotions, such as fear and anger, and generate helpful emotions, including hope and inspiration. Instead of negativity, constructive thinking promotes thoughtful consideration, problem solving, and effective decision making. Finally, instead of panic, opportunity psychology encourages calm and deliberate action that is directed and purposeful.

Admittedly, adopting opportunity psychology is far from easy; there are millions of years of human development pulling us toward the crisis reaction. But you have something that apes did not have, namely, the ability to control emotions, think reflectively, and act deliberately. These strengths can enable you to break the grip of the crisis reaction and incorporate the psychology of opportunity.

Laboratory Results

My investigation of this economic crisis to date, and many other traumatic events, has revealed seven dimensions that distinguish those who respond well to a crisis from those who don’t. Your ability to reject the crisis mentality and cultivate an opportunity psychology depends on your developing these essential capabilities.

Emotions. Making the transition from the crisis instinct to an opportunity psychology begins with emotions because they are the most primitive part of us. When faced with fear, frustration, or anger, you have to keep from being overwhelmed by these negative emotions before you can do anything positive.

Mindset. Your mindset, that is, how you think about the crisis, is the next step in changing a crisis mentality into an opportunity psychology. Unfortunately, a crisis tends to turn a mindset immediately and powerfully negative. Your ability to stay positive, motivated, and forward thinking will determine how you respond with the subsequent dimensions.

Vision. A crisis suggests that the status quo has broken down and what has worked in the past no longer works. This condition requires that you have the vision to see the crisis in a different light. You must look back on the crisis to learn essential lessons, have a broad depth of field see all relevant contributors, and then look beyond the immediate crisis to consider the long-term consequences of your reactions to the crisis.

Motivation. Your ability to respond positively to the crisis will depend on your motivation to act. Your will to act on your opportunity psychology and apply yourself effectively to confronting the crisis will determine whether you emerge from the crisis stronger than ever. This motivation includes your willingness to take reasonable risks, maintain discipline, and persist in the face of significant obstacles.

Behavior. Opportunity psychology matters little if you aren’t able to express the emotions, mindset, vision, and motivation in your actions to the crisis. You need to act purposefully, continue to reach out and connect with others, and sustain your focus on solutions, and take action when paralysis would be easier.

Leadership. If you are in a leadership role, you have more to worry about than your own psychology; you have many psychologies to deal with. For your team to work constructively through the crisis, you need to provide leadership that will foster opportunity psychology in everyone. You must send the right messages of optimism, reason, passion, and decisiveness.

Culture. An organizational culture will develop based on the individual psychology of everyone involved and the leadership that is offered by those in authority. How your company responds to the crisis will depend on the nature of that culture. You must have a culture that is energized, willing to take responsibility, and unified.

By considering how you respond to crises, both large and small, on these seven dimensions, you will be able to identify what changes you will need to make to better prepare yourself for future crises. And by becoming a master of crisis, you become a master of life itself.

Do you freak out when you lose your mobile phone signal? Do you get stressed when your Internet goes down? Are you mortified if you have to use dial-up to access your email? If so, you may be suffering from “Disconnectivity Anxiety.” Though not an official psychiatric disorder, I see it as a growing problem in our “gotta be connected 24/7″ culture. I define Disconnectivity Anxiety (DA)? as: “a persistent and unpleasant condition characterized by worry and unease caused by periods of technological disconnection from others.”

DA typically presents itself during a breakdown in the technology that makes communication today instantaneous and continuous, whether telephone (landline or mobile), Internet, text messaging, or simply when someone else doesn’t respond immediately. DA is associated with symptoms of worry, negative emotions, such as fear, anger, frustration, and despair, and physical distress. The only short-term relief is restoration of the connection.

I have seen increasing signs of DA among a wide range of people including clients with whom I consult in the business world, stay-at-home moms, teenagers, and, admittedly, me. This article is an attempt to put myself “on the couch ” in the hopes of better understanding this growing problem and finding some solutions for DA for everyone who suffers from it.

Reactions to DA run the gamut of Kubler-Ross’s model of grieving (in no particular order): 1) Denial: “This can’t be happening to me;” 2) Anger: “Whoever is responsible is going to pay;” 3) Bargaining: “If my Internet comes back up now, I promise not to ____ ever again;” 4) Depression: “What’s the point, I give up;” and 5) Acceptance: “I might as well take a break anyway.”

So, given the immense convenience offered by today’s technology, why do we have such adverse reactions on the relatively rare occasions that our connections are broken? I think there are several explanations.

First, our expectations of connectivity have changed dramatically in the past decade. Before the Internet, mobile phones, text messaging, and now Twitter, we simply knew we couldn’t be reached readily by anyone except in person or by landline telephone. The default was disconnectivity, so being disconnected was the norm. Any ability to connect beyond that was a bonus. These days, the expectation is that we can be connected in many ways at any time by anyone. The default is connectivity, so being connected has become the norm. Any break from that norm feels like a loss.

Second, the ubiquitous connectivity that technology has offered us has changed our perceptions of ourselves. Somehow, being connected has become connected to our self-esteem. I remember when early adapters had mobile phones-remember those massive, gray Motorola phones of the early 90’s-I was so jealous because those who had them were obviously so successful and important that they needed to be in constant contact-even at $3 a minute. Now when we’re connected, we feel better about ourselves. If we’re connected, we’re important. And if we’re important, we must be valued. And if we’re valued, we must be worthwhile people. The paradox is that, given that just about everyone has a mobile phone and Internet access these days-the janitor is as accessible as the CEO-being connected says nothing about our importance or our worth as people.

Third, the immediacy of connectivity today has created a new generation of instant gratifiers. Previous generations had the instant gratification of fast food, microwaves, and ATMs. Now the immediate gratification is not only fast, but, in the case of Twitter, instantaneous and ongoing. When deprived of that immediate gratification, we feel, well, ungratified.

Finally, our perceptions about relationships have changed dramatically as our connections with others are often more virtual than reality. Our communications have become more immediate and brief. And not being able to access those relationships creates doubt and insecurity, especially among young and single people who frequently develop relationships virtually before they even meet in person. Relationships have also fallen victim to the need for instant gratification. Family, friends, lovers, and co-workers can now communicate constantly by telephone (how primitive), email (also rather primitive), text messages, and Twitter.

All of these explanations have conspired to make us connectivity addicts. As we all know, when our drug of choice is removed, we go into withdrawals and the only way to remove unpleasant symptoms is to get another dose of the drug, in this case, reconnection. The question now is: Is there a way to relieve our Disconnectivity Anxiety?

The obvious solution is to give up your connectivity addiction cold turkey. Now you’re thinking, “Is Dr. Jim absolutely crazy?!?!” Now hold on a sec. I’m not saying you should disconnect your life completely and become a Luddite; that’s just not possible unless you want to live in a cave somewhere out in the boonies. I didn’t say to give up your connectivity, just your unhealthy relationship with it. What I mean is to change your relationship with your connectivity by paring it back to only what is minimally necessary to work and live. Do you really need email and Internet access 24/7? Do you really need to be reached on your mobile phone every moment of every day? Not likely.

I think you will find that, after an initial increase in your DA-classic withdrawal symptoms-it will subside and you will regain perspective and balance in the role that connectivity plays in your life. With this shift, your expectations about connectivity will moderate as well. You may want to stay connected, but you will no longer expect or need to be connected. You can return to allowing connectivity be a tool that serves you, not a master to whom you serve. As a bonus, you may find that you’re able to enjoy being in the moment more and your relationships may improve too.

You can also change the meaning that connectivity has for you by disconnecting your connectivity from your self-esteem. Consider what really makes you feel good about yourself-your values, your life’s activities, your relationships, your good works. Also, recognize the absurdity of having your connectivity impact how you value yourself.

Finally, change your attitude toward connectivity. See being disconnected as a positive rather than a negative, perhaps as a form of liberation, not unlike a dog being let off his leash for a while who can now run free. Look for ways in which you can actually use disconnection to enrich your life. See disconnected times as opportunities to be in the here and now with people or activities. Think about how disconnection from the virtual world can allow you to build and strengthen real connections with real people in the real world. Look for occasions where you can actually embrace being disconnected, for example, where you need to totally focused on a project at work with no distractions, while having dinner out, being with your family or friends, or getting some exercise.

Because, on your death bed, you’re not going to regret missing a few emails, text messages, or Tweets.

Back in the November, 2008 issue of Prime Sport Alert! I wrote that the next three issues of the newsletter would be devoted to confidence. Well, I kept my promise for the January, 2009 issue, but then got sidetracked for two issues with some other material that I thought was interesting and timely. I’m now ready to return to confidence and I’m going to give you a confidence bonus in the September, 2009 issue.

Let’s begin by discussing how you can develop confidence. One mistake that athletes often make is they wait to do mental training until after they’ve lost confidence. Yet you don’t wait to get hurt before you start doing physical training. You don’t wait to develop a technical problem before you work on technique. You do them beforehand to prevent the problems. The same thing holds true for building confidence.

Walk the Walk

One thing I’ve noticed while working with world-class and professional athletes is that they carry themselves a certain way; they move and walk with confidence. A first step in developing confidence is to learn to “walk the walk.” How you carry yourself, move, and walk affects what you think and how you feel. If your body is down, your thoughts and feelings will be negative. If your body is up, your thoughts and feelings will be positive. Walking the walk involves moving with your head high, chin up, eyes forward, shoulders back, arms swinging, and a bounce in your step. You look and move like a winner.

In contrast, not walking the walk involves your head, eyes, and shoulders down, feet dragging, and no energy in your step. You look and move like a loser. To give you a feeling of what this is like, try walking the walk and saying negative things about yourself. As you will see, it’s difficult to do because your thoughts are inconsistent with what your body is signaling to you. Then try not walking the walk and saying positive things. Again, it’s difficult because your thoughts conflict with what your body is doing.

When you walk the walk, not only are you telling yourself that you’re confident, but you’re also communicating confidence to your opponents. There’s nothing more discouraging than to be ahead, but to see an opponent who is positive, fired up, and motivated to keep fighting. There is also nothing more invigorating than to see your opponent looking like they’ve already lost. By walking the walk, you’re not only building your confidence, but you can also hurt your opponent’s confidence.

Talk the Talk

You must also learn to “talk the talk.”? What you say to yourself affects what you think and how you feel. If your talk is negative, your thoughts and feelings will be negative. If your talk is positive, your thoughts and feelings will be positive. It’s hard to think and feel negative when you’re talking positively. Don’t say, “I don’t have a chance today.”? Say, “I’m going to try my hardest today.”? By talking the talk, you’re also being your own best ally. You’re showing yourself that your opponents may be against you, but you’re on your side.

Conversely, not talking the talk includes “I’m going to perform terribly today” and “I don’t have a chance.” If you say these things to yourself, you’re convincing yourself that you have little chance. With that attitude, you really have no chance because not only is your opponent planning on defeating you, but you’re planning on losing to them as well. Even worse, if you talk negatively out loud during a competition, you’re basically saying to your opponent that you’ve already lost.

Balance the Scales

When I work with athletes, I like to chart the number of positive and negative things they say or do during a competition. In most cases, the negatives far outnumber the positives. In an ideal world, I would love to eliminate all negatives and have athletes only express positives. But this is the real world and any athlete who cares about their sport is going to feel and express anger, frustration, and despair occasionally.

In dealing with this reality, you should learn to balance the scales. The immediate goal is to increase the positives. This means rewarding yourself when you perform well. If you beat yourself up over an error, why shouldn’t you pat yourself on the back when you get it right. Pump your fist, slap your leg, say, “yes,” when you perform well. It will psych you up and make you feel positive and excited.

Once you’ve balanced the scales by increasing your positives, your next goal is to tip the scales in the positive direction by reducing the negatives. Ask why you’re so hard on yourself when you perform poorly. The best athletes in the world don’t always perform their best. Why shouldn’t it be okay for you to have down periods in your performances?

Also, become aware of your negativity and then do things that counter the negativity. For example, after you make a mistake, instead of dropping your head and saying, “I stink,” try bouncing up and down, pumping your fist, and saying, “Come on!”

This step of tipping the scales toward positives is so important because of some recent research that found that negative experiences, such as negative self-talk, body language, and emotions carry more weight than positive experiences. In fact, it takes 12 positive experiences to equal one negative experience. What this means is that for every negative expression you make, whether saying something negative or screaming in frustration, you must express yourself positively 12 times to counteract that one negative expression.

Thought-stopping

As a well-known psychologist once said, “We become what we think of most of the time.”? If you’re always thinking negatively, then you will likely fail. Another useful technique to reduce your negative thinking and develop your positive thinking is called thought-stopping. This strategy involves replacing your negative self-talk with positive self-talk. List the negative statements you commonly say to yourself when you’re practicing and competing. Next, indicate where and in what situations you say the negative things. This will help you become aware of the situations in which you’re most likely to be negative. Then, list positive statements with which you can replace them. For example, after a bad day, you might say “I had a horrible competition.”? Instead, replace that negative statement with something more positive such as “I’ll work hard and do better in the next time.” The thought-stopping sequence in training or competition goes as follows. When you start to think or say something negative; say “stop” or “positive,” then replace it with a positive statement.

Final Thoughts

Remember that how you think, walk, and act are skills. If your scale is tipped heavily to the negative side, you have become very skilled at these negative expressions. Like changing any skill, to get rid of these bad ones, you have to identify better skills, make a commitment to changing them, and practice the positive skills until they’re ingrained and automatic.

#1: Take a Hit for the Team

In a culture that seems to worship selfishness, as the father, you must be willing to be selfless and make your family your #1 priority. This means putting the needs of your wife and children ahead of your own. If you have to choose between what’s best for you and what’s best for your family, always choose your family first. You may occasionally feel a bit bitter and resentful for never coming first, but there is something primitively satisfying about sacrificing yourself for your family.

#2: Worship Your Wife

It’s easy to take your wife for granted because she shows up for “work” every day, taking care of you and our children (even if she works full-time!). But being a mother is the most difficult, selfless, and often thankless job there is. You should constantly thank her for all she does for your family. You should also give her regular opportunities to take care of herself, whether exercise, socializing with friends, or just some down time to read or take a long bath. And, a bit selfishly, a friend of mine has a saying that I love: “Happy wife, happy life” (I hope that comment doesn’t come across as sexist; not intended).

#3: Communicate

Communication is the most essential tool for the success of a marriage and a family. Yet it’s a tool that men are not traditionally very good at. Communication can occur in the form of words, actions, body language, and emotions. Communication shows respect for all of your family members, ensures that everyone’s needs are being met, and reduces and resolves conflict. Talk to your wife and children, but, more importantly, listen to their messages, both obvious and subtle, and communicate back to them with words, emotions, and actions that you heard them, and understand.

#4: Be Emotional

We live in a culture in which expressing emotions by men is considered a weakness. Yet healthy emotional expression, whether positive emotions like such as joy and excitement, or less positive ones, such as anger, frustration, or sadness, are essential for personal happiness, healthy relationships, and success in life. Being able to express all emotions is an important part of being balanced and open. And a healthy emotional life is a lifelong gift you can give your children.

#5: Be Tough

Many parents these days have gotten the message from popular culture that they should be easy on their children. Well, let me tell you something: the world out there isn’t going to be easy on them, so you need to prepare them. But when I say ?tough,’ I don’t mean being unkind or angry. I do mean that you should know what is best for your children and do what is best for them whether they like it or not. They may not fully appreciate it now, but they’ll thank you in the future.

#6: Send Good Messages

Your children are being bombarded by unhealthy messages everywhere they turn, most notably from popular culture. Yet, as their father, you have the ability to influence them most directly, most powerfully, and most positively. But to do that, you must do more than talk the talk; you must also walk the walk because your children will do as you do not as you say. Make sure the messages that you send them, whether in your words, emotions, or actions, are going to foster their healthy development.

#7: Teach Healthy Values

The values that your children learn when they’re young will guide them in everything they do in their lives. Unfortunately, we live in a toxic popular culture that teaches children the most awful values, for example, disrespect, selfishness, greed, and indifference. To combat that influence, you need to make sure that your values are healthy and that your children are getting positive value messages from you.

#8: Take Care of Yourself Physically

If you’re like many fathers today, the stress of working hard to support your family and balancing all aspects of life can take its toll. Poor eating habits and lack of exercise and sleep can lead to obesity and other serious health problems. Being overweight, out of shape,, sick, physically limited in some way (or, even worse, dead) at 50 isn’t being a good father. Find the time (it is possible no matter how busy you are) and make the commitment to maintain your health, for the sake of your family.

A recent survey conducted on mobilitydigest.com revealed that there are more than 15 user interfaces (UIs) available on smartphones running on Windows Mobile alone. If you add the Google Android, Palm Pre, and other phones, the number of UIs passes 20 to choose from. The results of the survey have certainly been illuminating for no other reasons than the sheer number of UI’s used and the zeal that people have for them. This discussion has led me to consider what it is about UIs that attract different people to different UIs.?I have identified five dimensions that seem to be relevant in choosing a UI.

The first dimension that struck me is perhaps the most obvious, namely, functionality. Different people have different needs. For some, it is a business tool to maximize efficiency through email, contacts, and calendars. For others, it is a toy for entertainment, with an emphasis on music, Internet, texting, and photos. And for still others, the smartphone is, well, a phone. Each set of needs requires a different type of UI that best satisfies those needs.

Another dimension is actually a continuum that runs from simplicity to complexity. This issue involves both set up of the UI and its use. Some people like very simple UI’s that require little to no set up and very few steps to use their smartphone. Because most people are not tech savvy, the vast majority of users of smartphones want simplicity. This observation explains much of the immense popularity of the iPhone. It’s readily understandable-you just push an icon and something happens-ready to use right out of the box. And iPhone’s competitors aren’t getting the message. Yes, Nokia, HTC, Samsung, Toshiba, and other manufacturers are making hardware that is superior to the iPhone, but they apparently haven’t figured out that it is the UI that may ultimately determine who buys what device. And it seems pretty clear that, however simplistic or inelegant the iPhone UI is (basically it’s just an app launcher), its popularity suggests that this is what most people want.

Related to complexity is customizability. Some smartphone users like to, as one commenter noted, “have it their way;” just like choosing Burger King over McDonald’s (take note though that McDonald’s, like the iPhone, is most popular despite its lack of “customizability” of its food). But, because of the pervasive pressure to be unique these days a high degree of individual customization seems to be in order. UIs like SPB Mobile Shell and PointUI offer the ability to create personal configurations that can fit any users’ needs, but, as several commenters have noted, they require considerable time and effort to “tweak” them just so. I can certainly attest to the many hours I devoted to getting my HTC Fuze just so.

One more dimension that seems to be of importance is efficiency which is translated into being able to launch an application in the fewest number of maneuvers. For example, on my Fuze running TouchFlo 3D2, I’m able to directly access more than 15 applications through the touch screen and physical buttons with just one touch.

The final dimension that few if any UIs have really gotten right is the aesthetic. People just love a certain look; it makes people feel special. The challenge for UI developers is that appearance is highly personal; for every person there is a different aesthetic. Clearly, the iPhone got the hardware aesthetic right as confirmed by the legions of clone phones marching over the horizon these days. But no one has completely nailed the UI aesthetic. Perhaps the future winner of the UI wars will be the company that develops a UI that is incredibly simple, yet is also highly customizable. Just think of the time and effort put into individualized ring tones and phone cases these days. There’s little doubt that a UI that is uniquely and simply yours will be the next great fashion-and function-statement in mobile technology.