Oddly, your focus shouldn’t be on your kids, but on you, specifically, on why you are feeling so frustrated and negative. Likely comes from some “baggage” you carry from your past (we all have some). If you can understand that, you can more easily let go of your negativity and frustration, and begin to send more positive messages.

Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt comment on my Frustration post. You are asking for a five-minute answer to a three-hour question, but I will do my best.

I agree that it’s important for young people to develop the attitudes and skillsets necessary to survive and thrive in our global economy. The challenge, as you suggest, is how to support and encourage our children to this end.

A few thoughts. First, your ‘pleaser’ child seems to be doing just fine. The important thing is that he is self-motivated. It takes time for young people to find a passion, so be patient and let him find his way.

Second, your other child likely feels some pressure from you and may very well have a fear of failure. The best way to avoid failure is to underachieve. Read my Kids & Culture Alert! e-newsletter articles on my web site about fear of failure.

Third, you should focus on the messages you send to your children. Your goal is to send the best messages to them: good values, hard work, positive attitude. I believe that children become the messages they get the most. It sounds like you are sending the wrong messages (e.g., frustration, anger, disappointment) and that you are acting on your own issues rather than what is best for them. Not only are you not having the intended effect, but you’re also probably not that fun to be around. And you may actually be pushing your children in the wrong direction with your negative approach.

Think seriously about what messages you want your children to get and how you can communicate them. Then be patient. You will find that consistent positive messages will, in time, sink in and positively impact your children.