Fear of failure is the single most common cause of performance difficulties for the young athletes who come to me for help. Whether they experience low confidence and extreme negativity, pre-competitive anxiety, a preoccupation with results, or severe self-criticism, in most cases, when we dig deep enough, we discover a profound fear of failure at its root. Moreover, fear of failure among young people in America today is at epidemic proportions. Fear of failure causes children to experience debilitating anxiety before they take a test, compete in a sport, or perform in a recital. It causes them to give less than their best effort, not take risks, and, ultimately, never achieve complete success. Why? Because they are terrified of what will happen if they fail!
Because of the powerful and painful presence of fear of failure in the lives of young athletes (not to mention students and other young performers) these days, it seems fitting that I devote a three-part series of articles to this topic. My goal is to educate parents (and coaches and athletes) so each can better understand fear of failure and, most importantly, have parents and coaches help their young athletes to let go of this fear and free themselves to perform their best without fear of the consequences, whether real or imagined, and with confidence, courage and abandon.
Why Children Fear Failure
Let’s be realistic. Failure isn’t worth fearing. In fact, it’s an important part of striving toward children’s goals. What young athletes come to fear is the meaning they attach to failure. At the heart of fear of failure is the belief held by young athletes that if they fail, in sports or any other activity, then bad things will happen. The research found the following as the most common fears:
They will disappoint their parents.
Their friends will no longer like them.
They will be ostracized by their peer group.
They will experience embarrassment or shame.
They will be worthless people.
All of their efforts will be a waste of time.
They will experience the devastation of not achieving their goals.
Causes of Fear of Failure
Fear of failure typically emerges from messages that children’s parents convey that being loved depends on their being successful or that their parents’ love will be withdrawn if they fail (this is rarely the message that parents intend to send, but it is the one that children frequently receive). Kids also get the message that if they fail they will seen as a LOSER from our “winning is everything” culture.
Athletes with a fear of failure perceive failure to be a ravenous beast that pursues them relentlessly and must be avoided at all cost. When they do succeed and avoid that beast, they only experience a small and brief amount of relief (instead of excitement and joy!) because they survived one more day without being eaten by failure. As a result, avoiding failure becomes their singular motivation and goal in life.
Children also get this destructive perspective on failure from the hyper-achievement culture in which we now live. This “you gotta win, baby!” culture defines failure as being poor, anonymous, powerless, unpopular, or physically unattractive. On television and in the movies, the losers—nerds, unattractive people, poor athletes—are teased, bullied, and rejected. With this definition of failure, popular culture has created a culture of fear and avoidance of failure. It has conveyed to children that if they fail, they will be ostracized by their peers and branded as losers for life!
The Stigma of Failure
There is no greater stigma in our culture of “gotta be the best” than being labeled a loser. The expression loser has become an oft-used and enduring symbol in this culture. To be called a loser is, to paraphrase a well-known sports cliché, worse than death because you have to live with being a loser.
Avoiding Failure
Children learn that they can avoid failure three ways. First, children can simply not engage in an activity in which they fear failure. If children don’t participate, they’re safe from failure. Injury, illness, damaged equipment, forgotten or lost materials, apparent lack of interest or motivation, or just plain refusal to take part are common ways in which children can avoid failure and maintain their personal and social esteem.
Second, children can avoid failure by failing in an activity, but protecting themselves from the failure by having an excuse—“I would have done well, but I just didn’t feel like it” or “I would have done just fine, but the teacher was totally unfair.” This is called self-defeating behavior or self-sabotage. Because their failures were not their fault, children can’t be held responsible and our culture and their parents and peers must continue to accept and love them.
Third, many children don’t have the luxury of not taking part or coming up with excuses, for example, children can’t just not go to school. So another way that children can avoid failure is to get as far away from failure as possible by becoming successful. But children who are driven to avoid failure are stuck in limbo between failure and real success, what I call the “safety zone,” in which the threat of failure is removed, for example, they have a B+ average or finish in the top 10 in their sport, but they are unwilling to intensify their efforts and take the risks necessary to fully achieve success.
The Value of Failure
Failure is an inevitable—and essential—part of life. Failure can bolster the motivation to overcome the obstacles that caused the failure. It shows children what they did wrong so they can correct the problem in the future. Failure connects children’s actions with consequences which helps them gain ownership of their efforts. Failure teaches important life skills, such as commitment, patience, perseverance, determination, and problem solving. It helps children respond positively to the frustration and disappointment that they will often experience as they pursue their goals. Failure teaches children humility and appreciation for the opportunities that they’re given.
Of course, too much failure will discourage children. Success is also needed for its ability to bolster motivation, build confidence, reinforce effort, and increase enjoyment. As children pursue their life goals, they must experience a healthy balance of success and failure to gain the most from their efforts.
You can help your children develop a new perspective on failure that takes away their fear. It also frees them to strive for success without reservation, to explore, take risks, and vigorously pursue their dreams. Children will know in their hearts that some failure is okay and in no way a negative reflection on themselves as people. Finally, failure will ultimately enable them to achieve success, however they define it and, along the way, also find happiness.
You can expect Part II of my Fear of Failure series next week.
